


Smashing Young Man

by Yoshichao



Series: The Fame Monster [4]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Ambiguous Gender Reader, Ambiguous Sexuality Reader, Celebtale, Fake Flirting, Gen, Humor, Platonic Harem, Platonic Relationships, Reader-Insert, au where undertale exists as a franchise but the characters are also real people, bff sans undertale, cannibalism jokes, gender neutral reader, rated T for SWEARING and SUGGESTIVE CONTENT, reader is sassy memelord, red continues to be the bane of this series' platonic tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 10:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20424305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoshichao/pseuds/Yoshichao
Summary: Sans asks for your help in keeping an eye on the other skeletons at a convention. While there, a girl threatens you with a sword, a high school clique makes fun of your clothes, and... a skeleton runs away from you...?Oh yeah, and one of your new pals keeps insinuating that he wants to eat you. But you saw that coming.





	Smashing Young Man

**Author's Note:**

> oooooOOOOOOGHHHHH so i started this one four days after posting the last one, and it feels like i've been writing it ALL MONTH but it has only been.... a week. wow.
> 
> anyways, welcome to "part 2" of this fic series! this is NOT ONLY the part where we start meeting other AUs, but we also finally get to delve into the behaviours and ISSUES that the current skeleton cast has. this fic hints to the personal flaws of each skeleton (some more obvious than others, and some having MULTIPLE problems) that fame has inflicted upon them - see if you can figure out how each one is suffering (even if they're not conscious of it)! 
> 
> if you're new here: all the fics in this SERIES are continuations of each other and will reference them in passing, so i highly recommend reading the previous three fics first! this particular fic is named after the song "Smashing Young Man" by Collective Soul, but unlike previous fics and their songs, i... didn't listen to it or think about it much while writing this? instead i listened to A LOT of b'z for most of it, looped cruel angel's thesis for the last 7k words or so, listened to random albums for the first half of editing, then looped "die young" by ke$ha for the last half. it makes a very chaotic playlist, but i guess that fits the frantic running around going on in the fic lol.
> 
> so fun fact about this fic: a con fic is probably one of the first ideas i had for an "undertale celebrity au"! the initial idea for this fic series was that reader was the skeleton's manager and had to work their ass off to keep the skeletons out of trouble and set up public/charity events for them. that lead to "manager!reader was sans' best friend and that's how they were offered the job" and that led to introducing how the two met via "celebrity status". even after that fic i was still thinking of the manager idea, but writing "shake it off" made me believe just a plain ol' friend fic would be more fun. this unfortunately means my "the skeletons do a gamer livestream for charity and are forced by donations & their manager to play just dance for hours" idea is likely lost forever.... maybe i will find a way to work it back in....
> 
> anyways here's the skeleton name key in case you need it! this is the first time since "celebrity status" where everybody appears in person again ALSO we got some new boiz!!! (which is why this fic is so much longer lmfao)  
undertale: sans & papyrus  
underfell: red & edge  
underswap: blue(berry) & stretch  
swapfell: black(berry) & rus/mutt  
horrortale: axe & crooks
> 
> so uhhh i wanted to edit this fic one last time before posting it but i'm so tired of lookin at it so SORRY if it's a little sloppy lol. i hope you enjoy it anyways!!

"hey, could you do me a huge favour?"

"Yeah, sure."

Sans' sudden interruption does nothing to break your concentration as you rhythmically clap your hands to his. Are you trying to teach your skeleton friend some old playground hand clap games? Why yes, yes you are. Why? Well, uhh... you honestly don't remember the conversation that led to this point. But at some point, you found out Sans had no idea what patty cake and Yankee Doodle were (likely courtesy to monsterkind literally living under a rock for stars-knows-how-long), so you just HAD to teach him. He _ needs _ to know what it's like to lose a game of rock-paper-scissors and watch with dread as the winner prepares to punch your arm with all the strength a small child can muster. Which is... surprisingly a lot. Kids are _ dangerous. _

Now if only you could actually remember how some of the more complicated ones went.

"you don't even know what i'm going to ask," Sans replies, watching as you repeatedly try to clap his outstretched phalanges in such a way that might trigger your muscle memory. You could just look it up online - but you HAD this! You know you did! The song had something to do with McDonalds... wait, why were people making handshake songs about McDonalds?? Who's responsible for making these???

"Yeah, well, just ask me what you want to ask so I can do whatever dumb thing you have planned and get it over with."

It's pretty rare that your skeleton friend asks "could you do me a favour?" and it's NOT followed by tricking you into doing something dumb or finding something he planted somewhere as a gag. You have opened too many cupboards and drawers just to find Lil Sans hidden in there, behind whatever thing Sans asked you to grab for him. There was one time in particular where he convinced you into doing a dumb dance - which reminds you, you really need to steal his phone and delete that horrible video before your dumb best friend starts showing it to people.

...What's that?? _ Best friend??? _ Why yes, after your heart-to-heart on that fateful rainy day, Sans suddenly started talking to you again every day and became not only your most regular texting partner out of all the skeletons, but also... out of everyone else in your _ life?? _ And while most friends you may only see once a week - if at all - you and Sans somehow end up hanging _ at least _ six times a week. Even if your schedules don't line up well on a given day, the skeleton will hang out with you on his breaks or even crash at your place after the day’s done and inevitably fall asleep within ten minutes. It was kind of bizarre at first, but... you two bounce off each other _ extremely _well. There's no hard feelings when you constantly rib on each other, and although you both use compliments to embarrass and piss each other off (he's admittedly much better at it than you are), you can tell they actually do come from a genuine place. Sans likes being around you, and... you like being around him. 

Before you knew it, you had somehow become BESTIES with Sans Undertale.

"...hm. ok." Currently, the two of you are hanging out at your place. You both had a day off from work and naturally chose to spend it together like a couple of dorks. Most of your hangouts wind up at your place instead of the skeleton house or anywhere else - assumedly because Sans prefers the quietude of your home over his, where there's always at least one other skeleton around to join your little meme party. You're pretty sure he doesn't dislike hanging out with the others (although that said, the only person he seems like he can be completely comfortable with is Papyrus), but... you imagine he likes the break from the inevitable reminder that his "family" is famous. It's usually alright if there's only _ one _ skeleton joining you two, but two or more tends to raise the tension in the room and prompt a discussion about their respective fanbases. Even _ you _can't help but feel exhausted when the topic comes up, even if the conversation stays level headed. You can't imagine how Sans must feel after hearing these conversations everyday for over two years now.

"well first off, i need you to tell me how you're doing that so fast." Amused, he watches you run through the clapping game in double time, rushing through the part you know you've got down. "do i have to do that? that looks hard."

"It's not that hard once you get used to it. We won't do it that fast but you _ are _going to have to do what I do instead of doing nothing."

"aw man."

"Don't complain ya lazybones, just follow me." Now that you're sure you remember it, you slowly start singing the goofy song and guide him through the motions. He _ sucks _at it - you genuinely don't remember being this bad at it when you were a kid - and he visibly short-circuits when you try to do anything other than clapping your hands together.

"Sans, you're so bad at this!" you laugh, preemptively ending the game when clearly he has no idea what to do when you put your hands sideways to do the over-under clapping maneuver. "Do monsters really not have games like this??"

"i'm really not in touch with what monster kids are into these days," he admits, still visibly mystified by the rhythmic witchcraft you are able to do with just your hands. What he says is fair though, because you honestly don't know if _ human _ kids still play clapping games in this day and age. "you should also remember that not all monsters _ have _the limbs to play games like this."

"Alright, that's true. It would make sense to come up with games all monsters can play." Smiling, you raise your hands to start again, and he mimics you with a tired groan. "_ You _ however, _ do _have hands, so you are going to learn this shit so we can eventually make a secret handshake."

Sans looks slightly more motivated at the mention of a secret handshake, but he hides it under a deadpan. "so that's your goal here, huh? should have known it was something dumb, you big dork."

"Actually I just came up with the idea right now while shit-talking you, so now that's what this is. We are practicing and gathering ideas for our secret handshake, because I will not tolerate a half assed one."

"if you say so," he says a bit too knowingly. It may or may not be in both of your natures to realize how much _ work _something takes and default to a simpler, stupider route. You both think it's funnier that way, but most people don't seem to agree. As you start up the clapping rhythm again (which he still sucks at), he tries to continue the conversation while barely able to keep up with your snail's pace clapping. "so uhh, about that favour..."

"What?" Oh right, he didn't actually ask it yet, huh? "Oh yeah: shoot. What can I do for ya, pal?"

"i-- ...you're really good at this." Talking and clapping at the same time _ clearly _isn't one of his strong suits - the skeleton is fumbling even more than before now. He's determined to keep going through, so instead he just gets straight to the point: "i need you to come to a convention with us."

"Uh oh," you say between humming the song. When the game gets to the part where the style switches up, he has to pause but he finally understands what you're doing and slowly follows along. Hey, he actually is learning! Progress!

"yeah, i..." Sans' voice trails off as he focuses more on the handshake than whatever he's trying to say. He breathes a sigh in relief and drops his hands when he hears a note of finality in your song... just to_ lose it _when he sees your hands change positions expectantly. "whaddya mean there's more?!"

You can't help but snicker at his expression. "You can do it Snansy, I believe in you."

"hold on, i need a break first." Unceremoniously, he falls backwards and plops his head on the couch pillow. After an exaggerated exhausted sigh, he starts talking again: "this is actually important though so i wanna talk about it."

You've heard about the con horror stories. There are _ so many people, _ and apparently the other skeletons are prone to wandering off and being MIA until an hour after the time they all agreed on to leave by. The thought of it always made you laugh and you honestly wished to see that sort of chaos for yourself, but you were never personally invited by any of the skeletons _ nor _did you have the time or money to bum around a convention all day to watch your friends' suffering. But now... it looks like you're going to get the chance!?

"Okay, so, what, you want me to keep you company so don't go mad?" 

"you're half right." Sans sits up so he can look at you, trying to stay lighthearted but you can tell something is distracting him. "got more of us than i'm used to who want to go, so i'd appreciate the extra pair of eyes to keep an eye on everybody." He offers a tired wink. "i can pay for your ticket and anything you want to buy. obviously i wouldn't expect you to do this for free."

"Isn't that that favours usually are though?"

"eh, semantics. it's up to you in the end though - don't feel pressured into helping. i'll still bring you back a souvenir if you say no."

If that souvenir is going to be yet _ another _rainbow poop emoji thing, you are going to shove it down his eyesocket. But no matter what, you already know what your answer will be.

"Sure, I'll help. Free admission, anything I want to buy, AND I get to watch you guys suffer? Sounds like a great time." Not that you'd take advantage of your friend's money beyond the price of admission - you'll buy anything you want yourself. 

"usually _ i'm _the only one suffering, but maybe you'll be lucky this time." Sans chuckles wryly. "i'll also make sure nobody can directly associate you with us. we'll arrive separately at different times - nobody will suspect a thing if it looks like you're just another person following us around."

It's kind of funny to watch him launch into battle plans for some silly convention, but he does have a point. Showing up with them would be pretty weird. "So who's all going?"

"everybody you've met," Sans answers, already looking kind of tired just thinking about it. "papyrus is helping some people with tables there, edge and black are both meeting people... and everyone else just felt like tagging along this time i guess. oh yeah, there isn't like a panel or anything, so you're just going to be running around and hunting everybody down constantly. still ok with that?"

"Absolutely," you reply somewhat sarcastically. It’s not enough to change your mind, but it is a bit of a bummer that you can’t just… put them all in one ball pit and trust them to stay there. Oh well.

"thankfully, you don't need to worry about most of them. stretch usually keeps an eye on blue, and mutt sticks with his bro. paps is fine on his own - he's great at this stuff. the other two though..."

Red and Edge.

"Aww, you telling me they don't like hanging out in public together?" This isn't a surprise to you - the Underfell bros don't even like being in the same _ room _ together. It's rare that you get them together when you're at the skeleton house. _ Obviously _ they have issues with each other - which is a huge shame, because you _ know _how important family is for most of the skeletons - but you have no idea what they are. It’s not your place to butt in and force them to work it out either.

"sometimes i wonder if they get as far from each other as possible just to spite me," Sans mumbles, already pressing his phalanges to his temples as if ready to fight off a headache. "edge is ok to deal with - he usually doesn't move much after finding somewhere to stay. well, unless he thinks i'm being nosy... then he'll usually change places when i'm not looking."

"You? Nosy? You don't even _ have _a nose!"

"exactly!" He chuckles at your attempt to lighten the mood. "but yeah, i won’t tell anyone why you’re _ actually _ there, so hopefully you won’t run into any problems like that. the one you really need to look out for is red. he just... doesn't stop moving. think he might actually be trying to _ hide _from me, which makes me... really concerned about what the hell he's doing."

"Flirting with the guests and trying to get laid?"

"probably!” Sans agrees with you so easily that it makes you laugh a bit. “and he doesn't understand how bad it would be not just for him but for _ all of us _ if he got caught up in something. i know i can't really stop him from doing that kind of thing in private or whatever but... there's a lot of people at these events, so..."

It's really not a secret that Red is among the most_ sexually active _ of the skeletons. He's even told you some stories himself, like an overconfident dude bragging to his friends. Although you're not sure about the validity of everything he tells you (you're admittedly still dubious on the idea of MAGIC SKELETON DICKS), you've never heard any bad rumours about him regarding his behaviour. But... could it be a matter of time before something comes out? You like to think he's genuinely a good guy, but... his too-close-for-comfort attitude he openly indulged in on the day you met him flashes in your mind. Every now and then he edges close to being like that again whenever you two are hanging out, and you can’t help but wonder what’s going through his mind during those moments.

"So just follow Red around and keep him from smooching people? Think I can do that. I'll find him one of those kazoos shaped like lips and that'll distract him for the whole day." On a serious note, maybe you could just spend the whole day hanging out with him. You're obviously not best friends or anything, but it's not like he'd ditch you to go hit on a cutie, right? Right??

"yeah, if you could just look after him and edge for me, that would be a huge help."

"No problemo, Sanserino." It takes a moment for you to realize: hold on, if you're looking after the Fell bros, and the other five skeletons can allegedly look after themselves or each other... then... "Wait, then what will you be doing the whole time? Is there... somebody else going with you guys?"

When Sans said there were _ more skeletons than he's used to _ who were going, you thought that maybe the eight of them merely didn't all go to public events together. It does partially seem like that's the case, however... if Sans can't keep an eye on the two "problem characters", then what or _ who _is going to have his attention?

It looks like your guess is right, because Sans hesitates to answer you. Eventually he just sighs, realizing there's no point in keeping secrets here.

"it's... it's the horror bros."

"Oh. _ Oh!!" _ Despite your better judgement, you can't help but feel a rush of excitement. It's been almost half a year since you were last introduced to a skeleton (specifically seven at the same time), and your only knowledge of any other bonehead comes from online or mentioned in passing by your skeletal pals. You knew that the Horrortale brothers were among those that lived in the woods with the others, but you weren't sure if you'd ever get the chance to meet them since it was obvious just about everyone wanted to keep them away from you. Who'd have thought they'd be the next ones you meet?

Well. Assuming Sans lets you meet them.

"don't get too excited," Sans says dryly, both amused and miffed by your reaction. "i'm sure i don't need to tell you the things they've done."

"Nope, I know all about it." Horrortale was a pretty popular AU after all - it was so much more different than a personality or setting swap. "Buuuut the fact that they're allowed in public means they haven't done anything like that since getting here, riiiiight?" Heck, both bros even have social media accounts! Sure they don't use them often, but the fact that they're allowed to interact with people is a good sign. You're really not too worried at the prospect of being in the same room as them.

Sans' expression sinks further into serious territory, clearly not sharing your optimism for these two characters. "they haven't, but you should still be careful around them. point is: i'm worried about leaving them alone in such a busy place, so i'd appreciate it if you kept an eye on everyone else while i'm with them. deal?"

"Oh my god Sans, you don't really think they're gonna just _ eat _someone in public, do you?"

He winces a bit at the direct terminology, confirming your semi-joke question. "maybe not, but axe is an _ asshole. _ red, edge, and black are all assholes, but i trust them not to hurt someone. _ ...intentionally, _ at least. axe is different. he's... unpredictable."

You do understand where he's coming from - it's probably easier to gauge the personality of the skeletons he lives with and sees often compared to the ex-murderer in the woods. The only skeletons from outside the lodge that have ever dropped by while you were there are Black and Rus. You're not sure if that means they have a good relationship with the six skeletons, or-- hm, actually, maybe "good" isn't the right word. Competitive? Black almost exclusively drops by to brag or challenge somebody, and Rus never shows up without him despite being friends with Stretch. Does this mean _ other _skeletons - all those AUs you haven’t met yet - are more chill about the celebrity thing, or are they not on great terms with the boneheads you know?

You have a feeling you'll never find out the answer to that unless you get the chance to meet some of them for yourself.

"Fair enough," you concede, knowing it's probably fruitless to change Sans' mind on a couple of dudes you haven't even personally met yet. "What about his brother?"

"...he's ok." For some reason, he can't look at you when he answers that with a shrug. He doesn't elaborate either despite you waiting for him to continue.

"...Okaaaaay, well, I can help you out, my dude. You look after the spooky scary skeletons and I look after Edgelord and mister 'I-Have-No-Dick-But-I-Must-Flirt'. Easy peasy."

"are you sure? you really don't have to--"

"I have already accepted the challenge, there's no backing down now!" you announce loudly for the sake of dramatic flair. "And now you must complete YOUR challenge of getting this clappy shit down so we can have a super cool handshake!!!"

"ok ok fine. i think i might have it this time."

He extremely _ does not _ have it, and after about twenty minutes of repeated failed attempts at increasingly easier clapping games, you both decide that your "secret handshake" is a whiffed high-five and nothing else.

* * *

On the day of the convention, Sans drops you off in an alleyway a few blocks down from the building before vanishing to make the trip with the other skeletons. The con was in the next few towns over (certainly closer to where the skeletons live than where you live), so it would have been a hassle to make it over yourself. And you're glad you didn't try - it is _ stupidly _busy around here today. As you wait in line to get inside the building, you can't help but wonder if the skeletons making a public appearance - even just casually - are responsible for boosting traffic like this. But then again, a lot of big conventions like this one tend to be crazy busy, so maybe you're just imagining the connections are more significant than they actually are. 

You have an hour to kill before your bony buds show up, so you wander through the crowds and hit up any tables that catch your eye. You can't help but feel a pang of loneliness - typically you'd be doing these sorts of things with friends, but for obvious reasons you wouldn't be doing that today. You can't help but envy the amazing cosplays roaming around either - all you threw together was your Sans-branded hoodie and a hat similar to that of one of your favourite anime characters. Look, if you're going to be moving around a lot, you didn't want to get bogged down by a crazy outfit! Good cosplays are also a lot of work, and you only had about a week's notice on this. You'll definitely plan to dress up next time though - it would be great to be known online as some masked cryptid that ends up in the background of skeleton pictures.

You're in the middle of buying some really cute pins when your phone goes off in your bag. 

**Paparazzi:** sry, had some trouble getting here  
**Paparazzi:** meet us in the back

Mm, _ very _ specific meeting location. Thanks Sans. You proceed to have one hell of a time weaving through the crowds to reach "the back" - wherever that's supposed to be - and it takes a good twenty minutes of confused wandering before you're told "the back" doesn't just mean outside, but in a restaurant staff room two buildings down. Geez, you _ know _it would be dumb and hectic to meet him in the middle of public eye, but this is ridiculous! After you meme your way past the poor low wage employees who probably don't get paid enough to deal with this shit (apparently they were told to look out for "an idiot in a dumb hoodie"), you FINALLY meetup with the skeletons, immediately making a beeline for your dumb paranoid bestie.

"Oh FUCK is that SANS UNDERTALE?!" you yell as you make your way over, already feeling tired but unable to stop yourself from grinning. "What the FUCK is UP you son-of-a-bitch?!"

Anticipating your intentions, Sans chuckles and holds out his hand in preparation for your SECRET HANDSHAKE! As soon as you're close enough, you slam your raised palm down just beside his hand, and you just keep going until you hit your leg with an exaggerated, anguished groan. "SHIT! I can't BELIEVE I missed! Ughhhh, I'm so DUMB!"

"yeah you are, you stupid idiot. can't even high five properly, what's wrong with you?" You and Sans start snickering at the same time at how dumb this is. There's a snort, and when you peek over in that direction you see Stretch watching you two with an amused grin. Next to him is Blue, who's clearly more confused than amused.

"what th' actual _ fuck?" _

Cue you looking in the opposite direction for the source of this familiar-yet-unfamiliar voice. There's a Sans-and-Papyrus pair that you haven't personally met but would know the identities of at a glance even if you weren’t already told you’d be meeting them today. The AU Sans would look eerie similar to your BFF Sans if not for the gaping hole in his skull and his single engorged red eyelight. Even his voice is similar, sounding a lot like Sans except... _ not. _ His clothes would be similar too if Sans hadn't embraced the memes: the familiar hoodie is ratty and covered in faint stains, and you have to wonder if he chooses to dress this way - practically identical to his fictional counterpart - because _ surely _ he's had chances to get a new wardrobe? Because his brother certainly has: the impossibly tall Papyrus with the chipped teeth is wearing what looks like a neatly handknit woolly purple-and-pink sweater and blue jeans that are _ just _too short for him, stopping just above his ankles. Gone are the familiar red scarf, gloves, and boots - the latter being replaced by flat shoes and colourful socks. While looking at Horror!Sans gave you an uneasy feeling you couldn't describe, seeing his brother's excited, crooked smile made that all go away. He looks like he is living his best life!! You love him already!!!!! The sweetheart is practically vibrating in place at the sight of you, like he wants to greet you but something is stopping him from doing so. A friendly voice calling your name draws your gaze from the pair of new faces and back towards the Swap bros.

"IT'S SO COOL THAT WE GET TO HANG OUT TODAY!" Blue says with a big smile, approaching you with open arms. With a smile of your own, you accept his hug and are reminded of just how much _ taller _ he is compared to the other Sanses you've met - Sans and Red are both a few inches shorter than you, while Blue is only about an inch shorter. Funnily enough, _ Black's _the smallest of the bunch, barely even reaching your shoulders. "IT'S BEEN OVER A WEEK SINCE WE LAST SAW EACH OTHER - I MISSED YOU!!!"

You notice him suddenly tense up in your arms as he speaks to you, but you can't see his face to know the reason why. Is it something to do with the Horror bros behind you? Regardless, instead of asking about it or looking back, you just focus on the hug. "Aww, I missed you too! Hopefully we can hang out for a bit - as long as your brother doesn't start causing trouble." 

"me? cause trouble?" Stretch puts a hand to his sternum, his grin not reflecting the mock-hurt in his tone. "what makes you think i'd _ ever _do such a thing? i'm practically a saint."

Sans snorts, but Stretch completely ignores him. Looks like the two of them haven't settled... whatever's between them since you and Sans last talked about Stretch. You hope they do that soon - it makes being in the same room with them awkward. Oblivious to the tension in the air behind him, Blue speaks again while continuing to not let go of you. Wow, this is a long hug.

"Y-YEAH. MAYBE YOU'LL EVEN MEET SOME OF MY FRIENDS." You notice the lack of excitement in his voice at that prospect, but when he finally pulls away from you he's giving you his usual big, happy grin. Hm, did you just imagine the discomfort? 

"welp, now that your _ babysitter's _ here, we can go now, right?" Before you can properly ponder Blue's behaviour, Horror!Sans' snarky voice draws your attention. He's already staring at you when you turn around - and once you're fully looking at him, he hooks his phalanges in the crack in his skull with an unsettling grin. Is... Is he trying to mess with you? Because it's _ kind of _working - you want to grimace as you watch him do something so... uncomfortable looking.

_ "axe," _ Sans warns, which nets him a rolling eyelight in return.

"what? am i wrong? c'mon, the others left already - wouldn't want them to get into any trouble without ya there to stop them."

Now that he mentions it, you notice half the skeletons you expected to be here are... not. You know that Papyrus was helping somebody today, so his absence makes sense. Black and Edge were probably too impatient to wait for your lost ass, and Rus naturally would have followed his brother. But... Red too? You kind of thought _ he'd _at least stick around to say hi. There goes your plan of sticking with him for the whole day.

Ignoring that though, Horror!Sans' attitude is rubbing you the wrong way. He clearly has decided he doesn't like you already - which, honestly? That's fair. But you're still gonna rib on him for it.

"Aw, what? I don't at least get a hello from my new bone pals??" You pout at them, watching with amusement as spooky Sans' sockets narrow at you.

"we're not yer--"

"THE NICE HUMAN IS RIGHT, BROTHER!" Horror!Papyrus interrupts his brother, looking absolutely _ ecstatic _to finally have an opportunity to start talking to you. Although there's a clear anxiousness to his being, the resemblance to your meeting with Papyrus is almost uncanny - he shuffles towards you, excitedly taking your tiny hands into his. His phalanges are so long, he could absolutely crush your hands if he wanted to, but his grasp is incredibly gentle. "HELLO!!! PLEASE EXCUSE MY BROTHER, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE WE'VE GOTTEN THE CHANCE TO MEET ONE OF THE OTHERS' HUMAN FRIENDS. EVERYBODY CALLS ME CROOKS, WHILE MY BROTHER GOES BY AXE!"

Axe and Crooks, huh? You're starting to wonder if the skeletons just pulled their nicknames from the fan community. The fact that Crooks here introduced them as "names they go by" instead of just "their names" is perhaps a sign that they haven't been able to get used to them yet. You don't blame them - there's certainly more _ intent _behind those nicknames than a simple colour or food. Maybe if you ever get closer to them, you can ask what names they'd prefer - much like you did with Rus. 

Axe is very obviously displeased to see you so close to his bro, but you ignore him while you smile up at the sweetheart in front of you. "Well it's nice to meet you both. If the goober Sans has ever said anything bad or embarrassing about me - it's not true. Only the good stuff is." You glance at Sans to catch him snort and shaking his head at you. "I'm the Fell boys' babysitter, but I am better known as the Ultimate Memelord." Or, y'know... just your name.

"A LORD? OH DEAR, DOES THAT MEAN I'M TALKING TO ROYALTY???"

"Hells to the yes you are. I have a crown of jewels and everything."

"more like a crown of _ lies," _ Sans retorts, and you gasp at him, offended that he would SAY such a thing! "the closest you've been to royalty is the position of court jester."

What the fuck!! This is slander!!!

"lol, owned." Your breaking point is Stretch chiming in, pronouncing "LOL" as a word instead of as an abbreviation. You're laughing so hard that you miss the sideways glance Sans gives the orange-clad skeleton.

"WELL I THINK YOU LOOK VERY ROYAL!" Crooks says, clearly confused by the others' jokes. You shift your hands slightly and he immediately lets them go, fidgeting with his bare phalanges. You're getting the impression that he doesn't go out in public much. 

"Well you have a very good eye, unlike some clowns I know!" Your snickers are joined by a pair of chuckles, one of which stops to address everyone.

"ok, i think we're ready now. let's go--"

"wait, your friend didn't shake _ my _hand yet."

While everyone else was ready to file out, Axe remained standing in the same place he's been since you got here. He's staring directly at you with an unreadable expression, phalanges outstretched and waiting. Despite his easy-going stance, there's something menacing about his demeanour. You register that unsettling feeling coming back... and then proceed to not give a shit.

"Okay!" With a grin of your own, you bound over to him before anyone else can say anything, holding your arm up to give him the most wicked highfive-handshake combo of his bony life. It takes until you're right in front of him that the common sense part of your brain clicks into place and wrestles with your emboldened idiocy in an attempt to stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW... but it's not enough. Nothing can stop this ill-fated handshake from happening!

...Well. Nothing but an outside interference. 

"stop!" Sans is suddenly behind you and grabbing your outstretched arm with one hand and wrapping his other arm around your torso, struggling to pull you away. Your feet stubbornly stay rooted to the ground, and you can't help but laugh at the situation. "don't-- _ please _think about what you're doing for a sec--"

"what's th' matter sansy?" Axe watches your goofy power struggle with only a hint of amusement. "it's not like i'm going to _ eat _your human friend or anything."

Both you and Sans freeze, and the room falls eerily silent. You can feel Sans' grip on you get tighter.

"BROTHER, NO!! WE AGREED - NO MORE CANNIBALISM JOKES! WE'RE NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE!" You're not sure if that was more directed at Axe or was actually meant to assaussage everyone's fears, but...

...you suddenly find this situation really funny.

Axe tilts his head slightly as he watches you begin to laugh your ass off. The fit hits you so hard that Sans is able to start pulling you away from the other skeleton, but you manage to push him away between your giggles.

"Sans please I gotta SHAKE HIS HAND!!!" You bound towards Axe before Sans can stop you again, nearly toppling into him as your hand finally meets his. As you thought - nothing happens. No buzzer or blade waiting for your sensitive flesh, just bone. _ Of course _ Axe isn't stupid enough to hurt you in front of the others. Axe's expression doesn't shift so you have no idea if he's impressed or surprised - he just keeps watching you as you grin like a dumb idiot. 

"Nice to meet ya, dude. Your brother's _ way _cooler than you by the way." You hear Crooks gasp happily behind you.

"i know." Finally his expression shifts to look slightly smug. You consider this a victory. "nice to know sansy's friend can have good taste sometimes."

"Um, excuse you. I _ only _have good taste."

"really? then why are you friends with that shitty other me?"

Oooh, damn. He got you there.

"I tricked him into a blood pact and now he can't survive without me." You peek back at Sans to see him giving you a deadpan. "See, he even dresses like me now. He's like my number one fan or something? It's super weird."

Sans glances down at his hoodie - he's wearing the same "official" Sans-branded hoodie as you, of course, because that's the _ only _hoodie he wears these days ever since you guys sold his other one - and looks back up with a shrug. "welp, can't argue with that logic." You're glad he seems more chill now, though he's still standing a mere two feet away from you both as if ready to jump back in at any moment. 

"was wonderin' why he was wearing that stupid thing," Axe mumbles, letting go of your hand and shoving it back into his pocket. His expression shifts into something more like a scowl as he starts walking towards the exit. "ok, i'm sick of standing around. let's go, bro." 

"OKAY! GOOD-BYE ROYAL LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND - I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN!"

"I would drag myself through Hell and back to meet you again!" you holler back melodramatically. Well, your first meeting with the Horrorboys is a success. You’ve known Crooks for about five minutes and you’re pretty sure you’d already protect him with your life. You really can't get a read on how Axe feels about you, but you like to imagine he thinks you're a little bit funny. Because you _ are. _

"PLEASE DON'T DO THAT," Crooks calls back with genuine concern, "I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF FOR US!"

"bro c'mon, let's _ go." _

Crooks glances back at his irritated brother before giving you one last look. "BYE! PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!" And with that, the two of them leave the room. Sans is quick on their heels, waving at you as he departs.

"gotta make sure they don't try and take off without me. text me if something happens, ok?"

"Don't worry about me dude. I will wrestle every skeleton to the ground at once if I have to."

Sans chuckles, walking backwards towards the exit as he flips up his hood. "k. see ya soon - and thanks again for this." And then there were two boneheads left. You're honestly surprised to see Blue stick around this long - you'd have thought he would be excited to get out there and see his fans. He's actually been pretty quiet this whole time, you notice. Do the Horror bros make him too uncomfortable to join in the antics? Now that everyone is leaving and your attention is on him, you notice how anxious he looks. Blue's staring at no spot in particular - not even noticing your eyes on him - and it takes his brother's voice to shake him from his trance.

"ready to head out too, bro?"

"O-OF COURSE! I'M ALWAYS READY FOR ANYTHING!" Almost immediately he’s bounced back, regaining his confident poise. If Stretch noticed his strange behaviour, he's not commenting on it, so maybe this is normal? Maybe crowds actually make Blueberry nervous? You never would have expected that from someone with so much energy, but you suppose it does explain why he prefers your hangouts together to be at home instead of in public. You used to do all sorts of fun stuff together back when you first met - arcades, laser tag, paintball - but not so much anymore. He _ did _always look overwhelmed whenever someone recognized him. Perhaps you should have recognized the signs sooner.

"'kay." Stretch looks up at you and grins. "have fun with the edgelords, honey."

"Have an escape route ready for me if I need to beat them up for sinning too hard." You pause, realizing you forgot to ask Sans something very important. "You guys wouldn't happen to know where I might find them in the first place, would you?"

"EDGE LIKES TO STAY OUTSIDE," Blue answers quickly - like, startlingly so. "HE DOESN'T LIKE THE CROWDS, SO... MAYBE YOU CAN START THERE??"

"red's a wild card - hell, he might not even be at the con anymore. good luck finding him."

"Thanks." Great, you've got no lead on the guy that's more important to look after. Maybe you can try texting him - or Edge will have a better grasp on his brother's wandering habits. "Well, if you happen to see him, hit me up with the deets so I can stalk him."

Stretch starts heading towards the exit, meanwhile Blue is a bit slower to follow him. "OF COURSE!"

"Thanks guys. Have fun!"

They both make a sound of affirmation before leaving the small staff room y'all took over. Now... you are completely alone, with only the faint bustle of the restaurant to keep you company. With a deep breath, you take out your sunglasses and put them on your face before making your way out of the building as well.

_ Operation: Skeleton Babysitter _ ** _START!_ **

* * *

Following Blue's advice, you start by circling the outside of the convention center in your quest to find at least one of the Underfell brothers. Your search eventually leads you to an opening where con guests are sitting on benches and the grass, some eating food purchased from the stands nearby. The thing that catches your eye the most is the huge crowd surrounding the fountain - it's so large that you can't see who or what they're gathered for.

But damn, you can _ hear _him.

"... AND THAT IS HOW I, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE EDGE, ENDED THE GYFTROT MENACE ONCE AND FOR ALL!" Edge's voice is somehow one of the loudest noises in the area despite his head not being visible above the crowd, leading you to believe he's sitting down. You approach the fountain and make your way to where the crowd is thinnest. It's thin enough here that you can maneuver your way to the fountain itself with ease, giving you a near-perfect view of Edge's back. Not only are there people sitting on the edge of the fountain on each of his sides, but there are quite a number of people sitting on the ground in front of him too. He's just talking and doing nothing of particular interest, so you decide to watch and listen for awhile. The edgelord is _ bound _to do something wild eventually, right?

...Aaaand, no. He doesn't. _ At all. _ You remain at the back of the fountain for a solid fifteen minutes, listening to Edge tell incredible stories about himself and... lecture his fans on healthy living? Somebody asks him how they can be like him one day, and after explaining that NO ONE can ever be as great as him, Edge goes on to explain his training regimen and diet in detail. You've gotten health lectures from him too, but you thought it was just a coverup for him being too tsundere to talk to you. Or something like that. Anyways, you’re not sure if Healthy Living Edge is an extremely blessed entity or an _ extremely _cursed one, so you decide it’s time to skedaddle on out of here and look for Red. You try to get the big man’s attention by taking a picture of his back and texting it to him.

"THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WEAK FLESHY BODIES AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU NEED," Edge announces as he casually takes out his phone. As soon as he sees your message, he whips around to glare directly at you. You can't help but start giggling as soon as he sees you.

"Ohmygod, Edgy is looking RIGHT AT ME! I've been chosen! Edgyyy, I'm your BIGGEST FAN, please sign this for me~!" Immediately, you hop into the fountain with a splash and start walking towards Edge, who's silently narrowing his sockets at you. You notice that all his fans are staring at you too, but you are more focused on the water that is being absorbed by everything below your knees. God, you're _ so _going to be regretting this when your shoes are waterlogged for the rest of the day. Once you've reached him, you take out the notebook you prepared and lean forward a bit so your face is next to his skull, using the notebook to block others from hearing your voice.

"Yo, have you seen your brother?"

"WHAT? MY..." Instead of answering, Edge huffs and snatches the notebook from your hand, writing in it nonchalantly with a pen he already had on him. "I ADMIRE YOUR TENACITY TO CAPTURE MY ATTENTION HUMAN, BUT I MUST CORRECT YOU ON ONE THING: YOU CANNOT BE MY ‘BIGGEST FAN’ WITHOUT MY BLESSING!"

"Yeah, _ we're _Captain's biggest fans!" says one of the girls sitting next to the skeleton. There's a goth next to her that snorts at that, though you can’t imagine what the meaning behind it is. There's a hint of colour on Edge's skull from the nickname as he shoves the notebook back into your hands.

_ TRY LOOKING IN CLOSETS OR LOCKED ROOMS _

"Aww, well, I guess there's nowhere for me to sit anyways," you say with mock-hurt as you read what Edge wrote you. You _ knew _he wouldn't be oblivious to his brother's habits. "Sigh! Woe is me, unable to stick around and show my favourite skelebae how much I love him... unless... mayhaps… he'd let me sit on his lap?"

You're cackling as Edge lets out a MORTIFIED SCREECH and manages to splash you with a heavy dose of water despite your attempts to flee. You are soaked to the bone, but you can't stop laughing as you climb out of the fountain and start power walking back towards the convention centre as voices ring out behind you.

"Edgyyyyy! I wanna sit on your lap!"

"No, I do!"

"N-NOBODY IS SITTING ON MY LAP! THAT WOULD BE A BREACH OF THE SACRED BOUNDARIES BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY FANS!!!"

You're still laughing at the commotion you've caused as you wring out your clothes and wipe the water off your sunglasses. Yeah, he'll definitely be fine for a bit. You'll be sure to check on him again once you've monitored Red for a bit, but you have a feeling Sans' paranoia for the edgelord was overblown. The big guy is surprisingly more chill with his fans than you thought he'd be.

Now... where the fuck is Red?

You shot the horny little shit a text while you were roaming the perimeter earlier, but over twenty minutes later and he still hasn't gotten back to you. You're not sure if you'd feel better if he was deliberately ignoring you or if he was just too distracted to notice your message in the first place, because both of those are… a little worrisome. You fire off the picture you took of his brother and a few minutes later_ "i showed you my bepis pls respond" _ but nothing gets him to respond back. Maybe he just doesn't have his phone, or he really isn't noticing it.

After you've combed through all the weird hallways on the west side of the building with no luck of finding this elusive skeledude - and in fact the only skeleton you encounter is Papyrus, who is helping man a table that is way too crowded for you to approach - you finally get a lead from Stretch.

**Money Honey:** saw red  
**Money Honey:** went 2wards hwing  
**Money Honey:** had a cutie w him

You send Stretch a "thx omw" before you start making a beeline towards the building's H-wing... which is all the way on the other side of the building. Maneuvering through the crowds is a nightmare - you bump into way too many people in your haste to catch Red before he vanishes again - but you manage to make it to the east side of the building in just a few minutes. You use the signs hanging above to guide you to the "H-Wing", which gets you out of the suffocating con crowd.

Does the "H" stand for "Hallway"? Because you're pretty sure that's all there is here. There's an exit to outside at the far end, and you briefly wonder if your search for Red is going to take you back outside. Knowing your luck, you'll just end up looping around and encountering Edge again with no sign of the shorter clown. Before you set your mind to that though, you recall the advice Edge gave you and - after making sure the coast is clear - start putting your ear to all the "STAFF ONLY" doors. It takes until you reach the door labelled "JANITOR'S CLOSET" - because _ of course _ this situation has to be as cliche as possible - before you hear a familiar voice beyond the wood. You take a moment to decide how you want to do this before you just... turn the knob and carelessly push the door open.

It is perhaps a good thing that you didn't wait much longer, because you are treated to the lovely sight of Red having both his hands up some girl's shirt. The poor girl yelps when the door hits the wall, face turning as red as her hair as she tries to put some distance between her and the skeleton. Red is having none of that however and holds her against him while shooting you a glare. Once he realizes it's just _ you, _ his expression morphs to look more irritated than outright angry.

"hey. mind closin' th' door?"

"Oh, yeah, of course!" You can't help but grin as you do the opposite and lean against the door to hold it open instead. You give the girl he's a with a pitying once-over before you speak to her genuinely: "Oh honey, you deserve SO much better than a closet quickie."

Red scoffs, but is caught off guard when the girl scrambles out of his grasp and rushes out of the room, clearly too embarrassed for words. You feel legitimately bad for doing this to her and would love to make sure she's okay, but... before Red can follow her out, you shut the door behind you, blocking his escape.

"what d'ya think yer doin'??"

"Uh, closing the door? Like you asked?" You can't help but chuckle, though he doesn't seem to find the situation as funny as you do. After glaring at you like a grumpy baby for a few seconds, he effortlessly shifts into his signature flirty half-lidded expression, very obviously looking you up and down. Oh boy.

"sweetheart, if ya wanted t' be alone inna closet with me, y' should’ve included that in yer texts."

"So you WERE ignoring me!" You groan, further upset that he doesn't even look _ slightly _guilty about it. Instead, he just chuckles.

"yea, well, i knew vanilla didn't jus' invite ya fer th' fun ‘f it. figured he told ya t' keep an eye on me." He shrugs, as if innocent of any crime. "y'know, keeping me in here would be a _ great _way t' do that..."

You really cannot help but roll your eyes. "Alright Boner Man, go sit down so I can give you a lapdance or whatever." And despite your extremely flat and sarcastic tone, Red snickers and goes to sit on the single shitty wooden bench within this tiny room. The both of you have done this song and dance a hundred times before - one of you says a flirty line you don't actually mean, and then you go back and forth to escalate the situation until one of you says something so unbelievably kinky that you both die from laughter. Red in particular has a habit of treating your extremely nonchalant lines as if you were being serious, and sometimes you have to wonder if he's just carrying the joke or if he actually thinks one day you're going to mean it. He knows you're not interested in going any further than friends - and why would you? Most of your conversations with each other involve filthy jokes instead of topics with actual worth to them. Even after all this time, you'd go as far as to say the two of you barely know each other!

With a sigh, you move to sit down beside the skeleton, but - and you really should have seen this coming - the confined space you're in makes it easy for him to grab you by the waist and try to pull you onto his lap. Instinctively, you move your hand to push against his sternum so you can push away from him, leaving you with one knee on the bench on one side of him while your other foot is planted firmly on the ground. You try to give him A Look to express your displeasure, but you are not doing a very good job because he's just cheekily grinning up at you.

"what's th' matter, doll? sit down. y' must be so tired from all that runnin' around an'..." His phalanges scrunch up the bottom of your shirt a bit, noticing the dampness. "wow, yer already wet, huh? seriously, what did'ja do - go fer a swim? cuz i woulda showed up if ya told me_ that." _

"Your brother threw a fountain on me," you respond dryly, still keeping all your arms and legs in place so he can't pull you down. Red snickers at the explanation, and you can't help but notice his bony fingers starting to slide down your waist and to your thighs. "So hey man, before I bang your proverbial brains out, mind if we have a quick chat?"

"sure thing." His hands gently squeeze your thighs from on top of your clothes, his gaze nowhere near your face right now. It takes everything you have not to let out a deep sigh, so instead you take this moment to grab hold of his hands in your own so he can't snake them around other parts of your body while you sit down next to him. Red accepts the compromise, lacing his phalanges between your fingers as he gives you a playful grin.

"Just need to know where you stand on some things real quick," you tell him, unfazed by his touchy feely nonsense. "So... if you're having a hot time with a cute girl and they suddenly want to stop in the middle of it, are you allowed to keep going?"

Red huffs and immediately releases your hands, rolling his eyelights. Just like that, the sexual tension is gone. "i know what th' rules ‘f consent are. i'm not _ that _much ‘f an asshole."

"You didn't answer my question."

Red eyelights study your face for a few seconds before the skeleton stands up, looking down at you with a smug look. "y'know i can jus' leave at any time, right? i don't need ta listen t' ya lecturin’ me about _ common decency." _

"Red, if you just sit your bony ass down and feed me all the answers I want to hear, I promise I won't bother you for the rest of the day. I won't even tell anybody about your designated _ fuck closet." _

_ That _gets his attention, and after a moment of consideration, the skeleton lets out an exaggerated sigh before he plops back down beside you. "'course i'm not gonna keep goin'."

"How about when they don't _ say _out loud that they want to stop, but their body language shows that they're nervous about something? Are you going to charm them into continuing, or should you stop and ask if they're okay?"

Although you don't know the situation, you can't help but think about the embarrassed redhead that ran out of here as soon as you offered her an exit. Sure, she could have just been super embarrassed to be caught like that... but in the end she _ did _ choose to take the opportunity to leave instead of leaving the situation up to Red, who was probably seconds away from forcing you outside and locking the door. _ Somehow, _ Red follows your train of thought - and since he was interacting with her before you showed up, you're wondering if you're not that far off after all.

"hey, she followed me in here! she was into it!"

"A lot of people will follow their idols or people they admire into uncomfortable situations," you counter. "Just because they're trying to make you _ think _ they're into it to impress you or whatever, doesn't mean they actually_ are._ And you could really hurt someone if you push them into doing something that they're not ready for."

"i... i know that." Red grumbles and crosses his arms, a scowl now present on his face. You know the skeleton is probably mad that you're nagging him like this, but this is _ important _to you. Red is a good person, but you don't want the fame to get to his head and let him think he can do whatever he wants with zero consequences or moral repercussions.

"Listen, it's totally okay if you wanna smooch some cute girls - I totally get it, man, believe me - but there are two things you should ALWAYS keep in mind. One is that you need to pay attention and keep an open dialogue throughout the entire thing so you're never overstepping your boundaries. Two is to always ALWAYS _ ALWAYS... _make sure that they are not underaged."

Red snorts. "obviously."

"So you always make sure to ask someone how old they are before you start trying to move in on them, right?"

The skeleton tries to wave you off. You're honestly not a fan of how dismissive he’s being. "c'mon, ya really don't think i can tell jus' by lookin'?"

"A lot of people can't."

"well _ i'm _not like 'a lot've people'."

"That's great to hear. Because I really want you to know that if I ever find out you fucked around with someone underage - intentionally or not - there's a pretty high chance that I _ will _ actually kill you." And despite the strained laugh you tack on to the end of that to make it seem kind of joke-y, you feel very _ honest _ about that. Maybe not _ kill, _ but... just the mere idea of it happening makes you want to hurt somebody - preferably someone who deserves it. Unfortunately, Red doesn't notice your sincerity, responding with an infuriating snort and a sarcastic tone.

"oh yeah? yer gonna kill me? an' _ how _would'ja manage ta do that?"

The urge to grab him by the collar and throttle him is hard to resist, but you manage by keeping your hands locked around the edge of the bench, gripping it so hard that your knuckles are doubtless turning white.

"Uh, I'd probably start by snapping your fucking _ spine _with my bare hands? Seriously Red, that's NOT the part you should be focusing on."

Finally it gets through his thick skull that you're not joking around anymore and his laidback demeanour starts to shift. At first he's baffled as to why you're being like this... then suddenly the realization hits him and after a moment of being stuck in a horrified stupor, Red starts to shrink in on himself, unable to face you anymore.

"i... fuck, maybe yer right. maybe i'm... too... _ carefree _wi’ this shit?"

You let out a relieved sigh and pat his skull. The bonehead descends further into the fluff of his hood at the contact. "Better to realize it now than later."

"i... ugh, i'm such a fuckin' _ asshole. _ jus' thought tha’ chick was too shy ta talk t' me - i didn't even _ think _‘f askin' if she was ok. thought followin' me all th' way here was enough. shit, how many other people have i put in th' same situation...?"

"I'm sure you'll find out in ten years when _ someone _finally works up the courage to step forward in the face of all your crazy fans, encouraging countless others to do the same."

Red makes a dissatisfied noise, somehow managing to look more miserable. "fuck, if it's still anythin' like it is now, they'll get mauled alive. they don't deserve that - _ i'm _ th' one who's the fuckin' asshole here." He groans and buries his skull in his hands. "i wouldn't even _ know _how ta reach out t' anyone i mighta hurt without realizin' it."

In an attempt to be supportive, you put an arm around him and rest your chin on his shoulder, ignoring the itchy sweater floof tickling your skin. "Just try your best to be a better dude from now on, okay? Maybe there will be people who will never forgive you, but until you can figure out who they are and reach out to them personally, just be more mindful of how you treat people like them. Okay?"

"ok." You're thankful that the one-word response sounds genuine instead of dismissive. After another moment, Red sighs and sits up again, leaning against the back wall. "thanks fer th' wake-up call. think i'm gonna cut this shit out fer awhile. need ta_ 'figure myself out' _ 'r some cheesy shit like that."

You smile, glad that (aside from the initial shock) he's taking this so well. It makes you feel confident that he's never blatantly disrespected someone else's boundaries, or else he'd be more upset with himself right now. 

"Good. Cuz if you're lying to me and I catch you doin' some stupid fuck ass shit again, I'm gonna..." You look around the janitor's closet before grabbing a mop in both hands. "...I'm gonna shove this so far up your pelvis that you are going to feel it in your _ skull." _

"oh please no!" Red chuckles as you nudge him with the mop threateningly - of course, you can't stop yourself from laughing either. "i'm not gonna judge th' kind ‘f weird shit yer into, but fer the record: i'm not _ that _kinky--"

Just as Red finishes talking, the door is suddenly thrown open and slams against the wall, making the both of you jump. Standing in the doorway is a woman - certainly not the same one you saw earlier - decked out in an elaborate cosplay of a [swordswoman straight out of some anime or video game](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/fireemblem/images/8/8f/Soleil_portrait.png/revision/latest?cb=20181128041701). She's even got a life-size sword prop. And, uh...

She looks kind of pissed.

"What the FUCK do you think you're doing to him?!" Both you and Red have jumped to your feet in a panic, and you can't help but back off when the girl steps between the two of you, glaring at you with the fury of a thousand suns. "Get away from him, you piece of shit!!"

From behind the girl, you can see Red trying to get her attention, sweating bullets. "h-hold on b, chill out fer a sec. it's not what ya think--"

"Don't you DARE stop me! If someone messes with you, then they're messing with me, and I don't give a SHIT if I get in trouble for what happens next." The girl grins - somehow both maniacal and playful at the same time - and lightly bops Red with her fake(?) sword. "Of course, that's assuming they find the body in the first place."

You're suddenly _ very _ aware of the mop you're still holding in your hands. Wait, did she think...? Immediately, you toss it aside as if it had burned you. Shit, she saw you messing with Red and thought you were _ actually _going to hurt him! She probably thought you were some crazy monster hater or whatever and lured this dumb idiot in here to dust him. 

"Uhh, h-hey. Sorry, who are you...?" Somehow, instead of diffusing the situation, you've managed to say something even dumber than what you're usually capable of. You suddenly wish you hadn't thrown away the mop, so you had something to defend yourself with if this crazy lady tried to hit you. As soon as you've opened your mouth, the girl's glare is back on you.

"Uh, I'm his GF, _ obviously." _She says that like it's the MOST OBVIOUS THING IN THE WORLD. Behind her, Red buries his face in his hands. "Got a problem with that?" She grins at you, daring you to say something. You genuinely cannot tell if she's telling the truth or not. Red seems to know her, but is she just a delusional fan, or is she actually...?

Regardless, you can't help but raise an eyebrow at the skeleton and give him a lopsided grin. "Oh my god, how did I forget to add _ that _ to the list? Three:_'Don't be a cheating asshole'." _

"b, this is _ vanilla's friend," _ Red says from behind his phalanges, too tired to move them. "y'know, th' one i told ya about?"

"What? The other Sans' friend? But then why...?" With a gasp, she almost drops her sword, fumbling with it before sheepishly hiding it behind her back. "Oh my god, I am SO sorry. I... I think there's been a huge misunderstanding, hahaha..."

"Hey, don't worry about it - I _ did _ say I was gonna kill him like five minutes ago." You laugh off your tension, unable to hide your relief that you're not getting fucking _ murdered _today. The woman - "B", Red seems to call her - laughs awkwardly with you as Red steps out from behind her.

"i respect yer enthusiasm t' swing yer bigass sword around, b, but _ try _ta avoid cutting down my friends, ok?"

B chuckles and props her elbows on the sword's handle. Damn, that thing is surprisingly sturdy for a cosplay sword. "What can I say? I'm just soooo jealous of all the other cute people you hang out with - I only want you to be looking at me."

Red snorts and the two of them start snickering at a private joke you don't think you completely understand. Neither of them elaborate for you either.

...Well, you may as well ask.

"So uhhh... are you two actually dating, orrr...?"

They both look at you with a confused expression for a moment before B offers you an embarrassed grin. Red sighs, though he looks amused as well.

"'gf' stands fer _ 'gay friend'." _

"...Oh. Oh - oh my god!" You can't help but join the laughter yourself at how hard you got played. B wasn't a crazy fan or Red's datemate - they were just good enough friends for her to instinctively assume that lie in order to make a _ statement _to any detractors. Thank the stars that’s the case - you were honestly worried for a minute at the possibilities. 

You can't help but think about your friendship with Sans - would you do the same for him? You'd probably go in guns blazing for him if you thought he was in trouble, but you're not sure about claiming to be his _ datemate. _ If he asked you to - then hell yeah, sure! - but otherwise you'd probably get worried about becoming the protagonist of an embarrassing fake dating narrative. You... value your privacy too much. You'd probably lose your mind if you had to see your face on tabloids or whatever. Yeah, you’d rather deal with problematic people by just… picking up Sans like a football and running off. Skeletons are pretty light on account of having no body fat - you bet you could do it. Definitely easier than pretending to be his datemate. God, you would not be convincing at that _ at all. _

"welp, think we should get outta here before we get in trouble. i've had enough trouble fer one day." Red steps past the two of you and opens the door. "hey b, wanna check out tha' huge table in th' north side? when i was over there earlier, i saw someone who looked yer type.”

"Oh, shut up!" B laughs as she exits the closet, playfully swinging the sword at Red just for him to duck out of the way. As soon as you're out too, Red shuts the door and gives you an easy wave as he starts to follow his friend.

"thanks fer knockin' some sense inta me. see ya later," and he calls you by your name - not "sweetheart" or any of his other infamous petnames - _ your _ name, and that's how you _ know _he's being genuine. 

"Just remember to think with your skeleton _ brain _ instead of your skeleton _ dick _from now on!"

"yeah yeah." Red snorts and lets out a snicker as he reaches his confused GF’s side, calling back one last time: "hey, send me more shitty pics 'f my bro if ya see him again!" --and the two of them start walking down the hall together.

"What the hell did you do _ this _time, fuckboy?"

"nothing! i've been a good boy today, i swear." The skeleton elbows his friend in the ribs. "_you _ on th’ other hand… i can't believe ya almost sliced vanilla's friend in half."

"Stars, please don't tell him about that! I'm pretty sure he already hates me - I don't want to worry about getting murdered in my sleep. ..."

The two of them leave the hall and reenter the crowd, the rest of their conversation drowned out by the noise. Well, B seems like a fun person to know! You can't help but envy the detail put into her cosplay - maybe you could ask for tips if you ever see her again. Although, you can't help but realize you forgot to introduce yourself to each other - you have no idea what her name is, except that Red calls her "B". What's even weirder is that she had obviously heard about you before, but... Red's never told you about her. Maybe in passing - under a generalized term like "my friend" - but not anything like _ "my friend b" _ or _ "my gf (gay friend)". _Seriously, that second one is comedy gold - he could have punked you so hard with it! What a missed opportunity. 

Nevertheless, you feel pretty comfortable with leaving Red alone for the rest of the day, so perhaps it's time you stop standing around this empty hallway like an idiot and go look for someone else. Specifically: let's check on Edge again!

News flash: watching Edge is _ still _boring. He hasn't moved from the fountain, and he's still addressing a crowd of fans about whatever they adoringly ask him about. Before returning indoors, you stand on the outer edge of the crowd and yell "EDGE WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BODY PILLOW??" and snicker as chaos once again unfolds, a cacophony of cooing fans and one furious skeleton trying to curse out the voice he can't see the attached face of (though you like to think he knew it was you). As you're walking back inside, you send Red the video recording (which may as well just been an audio file since it's pointed at people's backs the whole time) and hope he gets a kick out of it.

So: which skeleton is next on the babysitting list?

First you try going back to where you last saw Papyrus - perhaps he had seen one of the others recently - but when you arrive at the table, only the human running it is there while the tall skeleton is nowhere to be found. Officially at a loss on where to look next, you decide to try looking over where the food is.

Hey, it's been awhile - you're hungry.

After grabbing some grub and continuing to wander around this particular foodstuff quadrant, you almost end up doing a fistpump when you see a couple familiar skeletons sitting down with their own food. They're sitting at two different tables that are right beside each other, so you start making your way over to say hello to the Swapfell bros.

Even just by a glance, you can tell the company these two keep are _ very _different. Rus' table seems pretty chill - they're people of all different looks and attitudes, content to talk amongst each other casually. They aren't even talking to Rus, who looks like he doesn't have a care in the world for the people around him. You genuinely can't tell if that means they're friends, or just very laidback fans who are comfortable with each other.

And then seated almost directly behind Rus - their backs facing each other - is Black, whose table looks more like a high school clique than a group of friends OR fans. All are people who are probably considered "conventionally pretty" - most of them are girls, but there's one pretty boy among them (excluding Black, of course). They're all talking animatedly with each other, laughing loudly every now and then. You don't realize how close you've gotten to the two tables until one of the girls notices you and makes an unintelligible comment, causing Black to look in your direction.

"IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SHOWED UP! I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WERE TOO OVERWHELMED BY MY MAGNIFICENCE TO COME SEE ME." You're used to Black's haughtiness by now, so you can't help but give him a wry smile. Aw, was he hoping for you to stop by? You’re flattered. His voice prompts Rus to notice you as well.

"afternoon, firecracker. good to see you're still in one piece." Rus reaches up and effortlessly takes a fry from the food you're carrying, dipping it into a pool of BBQ sauce on the plate in front of him before eating it whole. You notice that none of the people sitting at the table with him seem to be surprised by his relaxed demeanour towards you. Maybe he's known to be like this towards everyone.

"'Sup bone boys," you greet, noting that there are no free seats at their tables... or any of the tables around them. "The Meme Cop is here, making sure you guys aren't causing any trouble--"

"Ugh, that outfit is SO tacky," one of the girls at Black's table suddenly shouts, obviously referring to you. You can't help but glance down at your ensemble. "What did you do: get dressed in the dark?"

"It looks like it was slept-in!" Another girl chimes in, and you can't help but give her a deadpan. Yep, your clothes look a little wrinkled from getting wet and scrunched up, courtesy of two edgy skeletons. Sheesh, why don’t they know that already? How rude of them to not be paying attention to your adventure.

But of course, there's absolutely _ zero _reason for them to know how your day has gone.

"Eww, wearing the same outfit twice in a row? That's SO gross."

"I bet it's been even _ longer _than that!"

"OMG, I bet you're totally right!"

Wow, they really are the _ Mean Girls _ themselves. It’s like someone took a stereotype and brought it to life… several times. 

The gossiping girls plus boy start giggling maliciously as they continue to make fun of you while you're _ right there. _ Man, you wish you brought a cosplay sword like B did - you could have started waving it around like an idiot and scared them off. For the moment, all you can do is take solace in the fact that Black is staying silent, seemingly reluctant to join them. Until--

"Hey Black, don't you totally agree?"

"I..." Black anxiously glances back and forth between you and his clique, before finally sliding right back into his haughty persona. "O-OF COURSE! THIS FOOL WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND FASHION IF IT HIT THEM IN THE FACE!" The table is snickering. Black continues, emboldened by their encouragement: "WHY, THOSE CLOTHES LOOK LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D FIND IN THE DUMP! SO WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG NOW AND GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM! MWEH HEH HEH!"

The whole table is laughing mean-heartedly now, and it... really _ isn't _bothering you as much as they probably want it to. You've experienced worse bullying before. And it's not like you and Black are that close, so his (honestly expected) betrayal of your acquaintenceship doesn't sting that much. You easily swivel on your heel to face Rus instead, the wry smile on your face undeterred.

"Aw man, well I guess that's _ my _feelings hurt. Hey Rus, wanna go hang out at the dump with me and be my new best friend?"

Rus snorts, snicking a bit at your comment. He opens his jaw to respond, but is cut off by one of Black's obnoxious friends.

"’Rus’?? Why are you calling him_ that? _ His name is _Mutt,_ stupid."

Finally, one of the people at Rus' table speaks up, slamming the table as they rise from their seat to glare angrily at the Mean Girl. "HEY! Don't call him that!"

"Why not? Like I said: it's his name! Right, Black?"

"...YES, THAT'S RIGHT! HE'S CALLED MUTT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE IS - A FILTHY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING _ MUTT!" _

"See?! Even his _ brother _ says it's true!"

Now _ you _almost want to jump to Rus' defense, but thankfully, others are doing it for you. Someone else at Rus' table stands up.

"Oh yeah, then maybe we should start calling you _ Skank _\- since we're calling people by what they are now!"

Black's Mean Girl friend practically screeches from fury, and the argument devolves into screaming insults as friends try to defend each other. It is at this moment that you fully realize that _ all the tables in the immediate vicinity _ are packed with fans of the Swapfell brothers, because they're all quick to join the fight as well. Black is apparently in too bad of a mood to get further involved, scowling down at his table and refusing to look anywhere else. Rus on the other hand looks... extremely unbothered. He keeps his attention on you, ignoring the noise around him.

"you should probably get out while you can."

"I..." You can't help but look at the commotion regretfully. This happened because you're too comfortable with using "Rus" and let it slip in public. The skeleton himself always tells you it's fine - even now he doesn't seem like he blames you - but you still wish you had chosen your words a little more carefully. You should have stuck with one of your dumb meme names. "...Are you sure?" You really have no idea how you could calm all these people down, but you feel somewhat responsible anyways. Rus just nonchalantly waves you off, able to read you like an open book.

"there's nothing you can do here, firecracker. 's really not a big deal - this happens all the time." He offers you a smirk. "besides, you won't want to stick around if the con staff chooses to kick us out. you're supposed to be looking after us idiots, right? can't do that if you're banned from coming back in."

He has a point. Although your main charges are fine, you haven't even seen what Stretch and Blue are up to yet. Not to mention: you haven't even seen the whole con yet! What if there's a really cool table waiting for you? You can't get kicked out now!

Also, people are starting to throw food now, and getting grease stains on your sixty dollar sweater is the _ last _thing you need.

Despite still feeling reluctant, you say a quick farewell to Rus and rush away from the crowd just as you hear staff on their way to deal with the situation. You end up going in a random direction until you're sure you can't hear any of that nonsense anymore, and you are surrounded by regular ol’ con sounds. As you gather your bearings and try to figure out what to do next, you can't help but hope the Swapfell bros don't get in too much trouble - even Black! He was unabashedly a jerk to you just now, but it's plain as day that he's just trying to impress his rude friends. It's unfortunate that he'd end up with a group of people encouraging his bad side, but... you can't say you're surprised. It doesn't erase the memories you have of him where the two of you would be hanging out and he'd start blushing as he sheepishly - cocky facade crumbling - shows you a sweet message he got from one of his fans. Honestly you don't really care if he's rude to _ you, _ but...

You just wish he'd be nicer to his brother.

Since you have no idea where anybody else is and you'd rather not text them to find out, you let yourself wander and indulge yourself a bit. It's about twenty minutes later when you reach the end of the aisle of booths and end up spotting a familiar bundle of energy in the middle of a throng of people.

"Eeeek! Bluuuuueberryyyy! How are you soooo _ cute?!" _You missed whatever prompted this exchange, but you do catch a girl unabashedly giving Blue an affectionate hug, practically snuggling him. There are other girls there too, all cooing and trying to coddle the skeleton as well. Blue's facing away from you, so you can't see his reaction to all this.

"NOOOO, I'M NOT CUTE!" Blue giggles, and you can't help but notice this is a tone he's _never_ used with you before. He sounds... more childish? Whenever you call him cute for one reason or another, he’ll huff and grumble that he’s _ not. _ But here… he seems to be enjoying it? While you find it odd, the girls with him go wild over it, all squealing with delight.

"Yes you are! You're SO cute!"

“Such a precious cinnamon roll!!”

"Blue, do you wanna go get some ice cream? I'll buy it for you!"

"YAY, ICE CREAM! I WANT ICE CREAM!!!" Blue turns around excitedly so they can all be on their way to get the aforementioned frozen treats, but the skeleton stops dead in his tracks as soon as he sees you standing there. Although his cheery grin remains plastered on his face, you can tell it's _ strained _despite the distance between the two of you, prompting you to wonder what could possibly be running through his mind.

"What's wrong, Blue?" 

Blue doesn't answer his friends'(?) growing concern, continuing to stare silently at you like a deer in headlights. You're far enough away that the girls don't notice _ you're _ the one he's looking at, instead growing more and more confused by his behaviour. You can't help yourself - with an amused grin on your face, you offer Blue a small wave. His reaction is _ instant. _

"U-UM! H-HEY! CAN WE GO THIS WAY INSTEAD?" Clearly panicked by your presence, Blue turns and starts trying to guide the people he's with in the opposite direction. 

"But why? It's faster if we go this way--"

"I JUST... I’VE MISSED EVERYONE AND I WANT TO TALK AND SPEND AS MUCH TIME POSSIBLE WITH YOU ALL!!! PLEEEEASE? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE??"

That successfully wins over the crowd immediately, all of them letting out an adored "awww!" in unison. They're all happy to oblige his wishes, two people linking arms with him while the others happily crowd around him to show the skeleton more affection. Blue looks back at you one last time - regret plain on his features - before rushing his group further away from you.

...

What was THAT all about???

You have absolutely _ zero _time to ponder Blue's behaviour though, because a whirlwind of bones just narrowly avoids crashing into you.

"I'M SO SORRY HUMAN-- OH!" Papyrus peeks past the stack of boxes in his arms and is all smiles when he recognizes you. "HELLO MY DEAR FRIEND! ARE YOU HAVING FUN? I'M TERRIBLY SORRY I COULDN'T SAY HELLO EARLIER - I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY HELPING PEOPLE TODAY! A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ASKED ME TO HELP THEM WITH TABLES AND PANELS, SO I HAVEN'T HAD ANY TIME TO REST!"

Despite all the work you're sure he's been doing, the cheery skeleton doesn't look winded at all. Stars, you envy his endurance. You haven't done much aside from wander aimlessly and talk to some skeletons, but you feel like you could go home and _ sleep _right now. 

"My day's been pretty swell, thanks Paps." You about to say more - tell him about some of the wild skeleton events you've experienced today - but Papyrus is already turning to go.

"THAT'S GREAT! I WISH I COULD STAY AND CHAT, BUT I NEED TO BE AT RACHEL'S PANEL IN TWO MINUTES, AND I NEED TO GET THESE BOXES TO JAMIE'S TABLE ASAP!" He's already merging with the crowd as he calls back at you. "WE CAN TEXT LATER TONIGHT - UNTIL THEN!!" Aaaand there he goes. He's practically gone even though you can still see his skull above the crowd. Wow, that interaction may have been shorter than your staredown with Blue. Speaking of: you take a look around and find that Blue and his group of adorers are completely gone now. There isn’t a single trace of them even if you stand on your tippy toes to look above the crowd. Oh well - it seemed like Blue didn't want you to join them anyways. Which is odd, because he mentioned you meeting his friends earlier...

...Although, there's something a bit more pressing than Blue's strange behaviour, and you're upset at yourself for not realizing it until now. 

_ Where is Stretch? _

This seems like a good time to bust out your phone.

**You:** yo dude your bro just ditched me can I come hang out with u instead

There. A perfect mix of_ "where are you" _ and _ "I know what you're not doing right now". _ For a moment you worry if that's going too far - maybe Stretch won't respond if he knows that _ you _ know that _ he's _ not watching his brother like _ he _should be - but your worries are squashed in less than a minute when your phone goes off.

**Money Honey:** sure  
**You: ** where u at homie  
**Money Honey:** outside  
**Money Honey:** near edhe

You need a moment to decipher what "edhe" means but quickly realize it's probably a typo of "Edge". Well that narrows things down. Edge is STILL hanging out near the fountain, so it doesn't take much time at all for you to spot Stretch's orange-clad bony form in the distance. He's chilling at a table with an umbrella open above it, chatting amicably with the people sitting around him. Although people watch you approach, nobody gives you any particularly weird looks. It reminds you of Rus' table, except Stretch is actually talking to the people here instead of just watching silently. As you get closer, you can hear pop music playing - “Die Young” by KeSha, to be specific, which you remember Stretch telling you is his _ new anthem _as of about a week ago - but you don't know where it's coming from.

"You and Edge didn't want to have a joint fan meet-and-greet?" you ask once you're finally standing behind Stretch's seat. You can't help but notice there's no room to sit here either. Stretch turns to look up at you and with a lazy grin, reaches up and steals one of your last fries. Sheesh, talk about deja vu. What is with Swap Papyruses and stealing your food?

"tried, but the edgelord said he'd throw me in the fountain if i 'kept ruining his hangout'. any luck finding red?"

"Yep - thanks for the help, by the way. Speaking of Red, the last time I sat down was when I was trapped in a closet with him, so _ move over, _ clownshoes!"

The skeleton raises a questioning bone brow at you but doesn't ask for details, scooting to the far side of his chair with a grin. You put your stuff on the table and plop down on the edge of his seat. This is so uncomfortable but you don't even care. You force yourself to ignore the various pairs of eyes that are focused on you and your proximity to the orange-clad skeleton.

"clown shoes? i've never seen a clown wear crocs."

"Oh, I guess that's fair. You're _ worse _than a clown, then."

"rude." Stretch smiles as he puts an arm on the back of the chair, phalanges brushing against your shoulders as he adjusts himself. "anyways, lemee introduce you to everyone. this is ashley, damien, tanya, tiffany, pedro..."

And he keeps listing off names as he gestures to all the people sitting with him - and then moves on to people sitting at tables around them. While some of them are pretty normal about being introduced to you, there are others that are clearly excited to hear Stretch say their name. You're honestly surprised the skeleton is doing this - aside from B forcing Red's hand earlier, you've never been formally introduced to any fans _ or _friends the skeletons had. Hangouts have always just been you and the skeletons, and any potential fan interactions that occurred on account of being in public only lasted for a moment while said fans got autographs and selfies, typically ignoring you completely. You're honestly feeling overwhelmed when Stretch gives your name to everyone and a chorus of people greet you. Stretch senses your reaction and chuckles at your mild discomfort, before resuming the conversation he and his friend-fans were having earlier. You just listen in silence for a few minutes while you finish your food. Eventually, when there's a lull in Stretch's contribution to the conversation, you decide to ask the question that's burning on your mind.

"So uhh, what's up with your brother?"

"what?" 

"Dude he_ ran away _ from me."

"wait, really??" Stretch starts snickering, and you're not sure if you should be relieved that he's apparently unconcerned by his brother's behaviour. "that's pretty weird."

So he doesn't seem to know why Blue would do that either. You decide not to ask Stretch about it - his nonchalant attitude is already leading you to believe he has no information for you that could explain this phenomenon. You'll just ask Blue directly the next time you guys hang out or something. "So... is there any reason you're not with him? I thought you two usually stick together at events like this."

Stretch shrugs, nonchalantly taking a drink from the cup in front of him. "we were hanging out for awhile, but then we just wanted to do different things. i wouldn't worry about it - my bro's an adult, he can handle himself. besides, it gets kind of crowded when the two of us are together."

Alright, you know fanfiction isn't real and you can't rely on _ fiction _ for reliable information about your friends in the real world, but Stretch not being the overprotective hovering brother you thought he was is just too weird. You know the Underswap bros aren't on bad terms or anything - Stretch will often crash your hangouts with Blue and drive him up the wall with brotherly antics - but... you don't really know. Stretch just seems like he's being too passive about what his brother might be up to. But... he _ does _know him best. Maybe you shouldn't be worrying so much. 

Your phone suddenly goes off, interrupting your thoughts. Stretch is back to talking with the others. You pull out your phone to see a text from Sans.

**Paparazzi:** where are u right now?  
**You:** With stretch  
**You:** we're outside, west side. You can hear edge from where we are lol  
**Paparazzi:** ok meet me at the door i'll be there in a min

You frown and reread the message to make sure you haven't missed anything. With a sigh, you gather up your stuff and rise from your half of the chair, prompting Stretch to look up at you.

"going already?"

"Break's over, I gotta get back to babysitting." He lets out an amused noise as you start walking backwards, calling back to him one last time: "Don't cause any trouble or else I'll get Blue over here to whoop your bony ass!!"

"you'll have to get him to stop running away from you first!"

You laugh as you wave goodbye and head back towards the doors leading inside. After you’ve been idling at the door for a few minutes, Sans finally emerges from within, looking visibly worn out and tense. Before you can say anything, he grabs your wrist and prompts you to start walking with him along the outer perimeter of the building.

"sorry, had to shake off some persistent fans. dunno how long it'll be before i end up attracting more." As if mentioning it will suddenly trigger a swarm, he pulls his hood in an attempt to further obscure his skull. He’s trying to avoid looking directly at you while speaking for some reason. Is it to make it seem like you two aren't interacting, even though you clearly are?? You appreciate the sentiment, but it's a little silly.

"first things first: everything been ok? ...did you track down red?"

"Yeah, nothing much has happened today." You accidentally triggered a food fight and also somehow made a skeleton run away from you, but you decide not to mention that stuff right now in the essence of time. "Red's with uh, someone named B?"

"oh, her." Sans doesn't seem upset about that, but you notice he's not relieved either. "...i guess that's ok. not as bad as him being unsupervised. anyways, uh... this is probably going to sound weird but: have you seen axe at all?"

Uh oh.

"Sans did you lose the boy?" you ask, tone light as if you were talking about something trivial like the TV remote instead of an _ ex-cannibal skeleton. _ Sans sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets.

"he started walking away from crooks and i figured it was more important to keep an eye on axe than his brother. he must've known i'd do that. then i suddenly started getting bothered by people who recognized me and i lost axe in the crowd."

The irony of Sans failing to keep an eye on _ two people _ while you've been doing pretty well with _ everyone else _ is not lost on you. You decide it would be mean to harp on it though, and instead keep those bragging rights to yourself. "Dude you just totally got japed."

"yeah, i sure did." Sans sighs again. "so, uh... would you mind keeping an eye on crooks while i keep looking for axe? only if you're comfortable with it, i mean."

"Sure, no problem at all." You continue before he can ask again: "And _ yes, _ I'm fine with being near those guys. I'm not scared of them or anything." Well, Axe makes you a little uncomfortable, but that's clearly his intent. And you're not about to let some dumb wiener scare you.

"...ok. thanks." Sans stops walking and finally faces you completely, giving you a tired - but warm - smile. "i'll make it up to you, promise."

"You really don't need to." You pause as you suddenly realize something is _ different _about your bony friend compared to the last time you saw him. You purse your lips as you narrow your eyes at the shirt he's wearing. "Actually, I know a way you can. Just tell me WHERE you got that shirt."

"what? ...oh." Upon looking down at himself, Sans starts snickering. His shirt - which is different from when you met up earlier - is adorned with the logo of a series you like. The phrase _ "N//A GAMES" _ is printed clearly across the chest. You didn't know they were selling those here!!! What the heck!

"just something i found at a table somewhere," he answers, grinning cheekily. "why, you like it? cuz i'll gladly give it to you... for the ultra low discounted price of sixty dollars."

You can't help but make a strangled noise of both frustration and excitement. "You're joking but I don't think you want to know _ how much _ I'd think about that offer!"

"you're right i don't, you big nerd. i got it to give to you later, but i wanted to see your face first." 

"Ugh, you're so dumb!" You give Sans a playful shove, embarrassed that he apparently found the time to get you something when he could have easily just texted you the location of wherever they were being sold. What a clown!! ...Although now you're feeling bad that you haven't gotten _ him _ anything yet. You've had plenty of time to, and yet... you don't know why you haven't. Maybe you just assumed if he was interested in something, then he would buy it for himself. You also like… _ just _ became best friends - you didn’t know you two were at the stage of _ “unprompted gift giving”. _ Damn, you need to catch up.

This is such a lovely moment between two goofball dorkass friends, that you honestly forget where you are for a moment. One minute you're laughing both _ at _ and _ with _each other, and the next you're being interrupted by someone calling Sans' name in a shrill voice. 

"time to go," Sans mumbles as he reaches back for his hood... just to remember it's been on his head this entire time. It doesn't mask his identity as well as he hoped it would. In a rush, he tells you were he left Crooks. "hopefully he's still there. he's not as prone to getting up and walking off like his brother, but you never know. wouldn’t put it past axe to have led me on a wild goose chase so they could go somewhere else."

He grimaces at the mention of his counterpart, clearly unhappy about having to look for him. You try to give him an encouraging smile. "Good luck - be sure to dunk on mister _ Axe Body Spray _ when you find him."

Sans snorts but his expression visibly lightens. "oh yeah, i am definitely going to give him an _ unpleasant experience _ when i find him."

"Hell yeah!" You're snickering as you wave goodbye to Sans, each of you going off in separate directions. You cannot help but notice some overly _ enthusiastic _people also going in Sans' direction. 

Now... it is Crooks Time.

You can't help but be a little excited as you make your way over to where Sans said the tall Horror boy should be. It's been so long since you met your initial skelefriends that you forgot the throb of excitement that came with meeting a "celebrity". Sure, you had similar feelings meeting people like Grillby and Muffet, but with them it was a _ business transaction. _You weren't bonding with them or anything. But Crooks... he was just a normal guy like your friends! He seemed so happy to meet you, so it is totally in the realm of possibility for you two to become friends.

...Okay, you gotta stop geeking out about skeletons. You are _ better _than this.

You're not surprised when you get to the Designated Crooks Spot and there's a crowd of people there, much like there was with many of the other skeletons. Crooks is easy to spot in the middle of the crowd due to his towering height, seemingly happy to accept gifts and take photos with anyone who approaches him.

And there are... a lot of gifts. Like, A LOT. There's a stack of boxes and containers piled on the table beside the tall boy, many of which seem to contain food. You don't think you've seen any other skeleton today with this many gifts from fans. It kind of makes you wish you brought something too, but you wouldn't know what to give the Horror bros anyways, so you awkwardly get in the lineup empty handed, unable to get closer to Crooks any other away (unless you wanna start shoving people, which you don't). It's surprising to see people be relatively organized and restrained here - fans are quick to say hello, give their gift, take pictures, and walk away. It's kind of like a _ functional _celebrity meet-and-greet! Thinking about the groups that gathered around the other skeletons... a lot of them seemed either close with each other or the skeletons themselves, didn't they? That would point to some sort of regularity in their interactions, right? Does that mean Crooks (and maybe Axe) doesn't have any fans they've grown close to? You think you remember Sans saying they don't go out much... Maybe they just haven't had the opportunity to bond with anyone yet.

Well! You HAVE to be friends with them now!!!

"Howdy again, sunshine!" you say to the tall skelly once you reach the front of the line, throwing your arms open for a hug. "Told you we'd see each other again!"

Crooks needs a moment to recognize you, but as soon as he does, he's somehow beaming even more than he already was. "OH!! ROYAL HUMAN FRIEND!" He leans down to return the hug. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Sans asked me to keep you company while he looks for your brother." Although it wasn't the _ full _truth, it wasn't exactly a lie either. "Mind if I hang out with you til they both get back?" You also wouldn't mind sticking around a bit longer after _that,_ though you wonder if Sans will try to shoo you away...

"OF COURSE NOT! PLEASE - HAVE A SEAT!" Crooks moves some of the gifts to clear a spot on the table, and you take it as an invitation to sit down on the empty space. Chairs are for chumps! You feel a little self-conscious just sitting here in plain sight while people are meeting Crooks, but you try not to worry about it. Nothing bad has happened with any of the other skeletons so... maybe your paranoia about ending up in celebrity gossip was unfounded. It's not going to stop you from being careful going forward, but it is a small relief that it doesn't just happen_ like that. _

You watch quietly as Crooks continues to greet fans. Now that you're able to examine closer, you notice _ just _ how many of the gifts are food. Most of it looks homemade - there are a lot of different baked good containers piled on top of each other. Are all these gifts due to the nature of Horrortale's story? Are people giving the Horror boys food because they know they lived through famine? That's _ actually _ quite considerate if so! Turns out humans can do good sometimes - who woulda thought? You have to wonder how much of this food is going to spoil or go stale before it can be eaten though... and how are they going to carry it all home?! And of course, there is unfortunately that little nagging worry about people putting bad things in the food they make - such as needles, or poison, or... _ the drugs. _ Hell, there have been instances of that in the Undertale fandom itself! It's a scary world out there. You have no idea what kind of damage any of those could do to skeleton monsters - maybe nothing - but you still hope Crooks and Axe are careful. 

About ten minutes after your meetup with Crooks, you spot Axe approaching your location. Sans is nowhere in sight.

"should've known he'd send you here..." Axe grumbles as he reaches the table and glares up at you, annoyed. "alright, kiddo. i'm back, so you can go back to stalking the other guys now."

You force a pout to stop yourself from grinning cheekily. "Oh, but I'm having _ fun _hanging out with your brother! Maybe I don't want to go yet." You lean back a bit - supporting yourself with one hand - as you fish out your phone and start typing a message to Sans to let him know that Axe is back. Before you can finish however, Axe's hand comes out of nowhere and rips the phone from your hand. "Hey!"

"what's the matter? don't wanna be alone with a couple of cannibals? need sansy around to protect you?" Axe gives you a taunting grin as he deletes your unsent message and pockets your phone. "thought you said you were having fun. that wasn't a _ lie, _was it?"

He's challenging you. You're really not worried about being "alone" with these two - after all, you're_ in public _ \- but you know you _ need _to tell Sans that Axe is back. Of course, the skeleton in question clearly doesn't want that to happen, putting you at an impasse. You're miffed that he'd steal your phone like that, but there's really nothing you can do to get it back without causing a scene. 

"I don't need anyone to protect me," you reply coolly, trying to bury your annoyance. "And yes, I _ am _having fun. Seriously - I think your brother has treated me nicer than anyone today? Edge drenched my clothes with water, Red tried to get in my pants, Black insulted my clothes, both Rus AND Stretch stole my food... I'm starting to wonder if your brother is the only good one out of all you skelebaes."

You think you see Axe twitch at the word "skelebaes", but you may have imagined it. Before he can say anything, Crooks gasps and whirls around to face you despite just getting ready for a picture.

"IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE HAD A HORRIBLE DAY! I'M GLAD YOU ARE HERE WITH US NOW - WE WOULD _ NEVER _DO ANY OF THAT STUFF TO YOU! RIGHT, BROTHER?"

"sure. can barely _ stomach _ even thinking about any of that stuff." Axe is completely and obviously insincere about that. Crooks seems to notice, but merely huffs before turning to focus on the picture again. The shorter skeleton stares at you for a moment with an unreadable expression... before getting even closer and climbing onto the table, sitting uncomfortably close to you. He smells like... _ must, _ for the lack of a better descriptor. Surprisingly, no ketchup-y scents hit your nose. You're sure that him getting this close was a sign that he was going to do... _ something - _ but you're surprised when he takes your phone back out of his pocket. You try to grab it, but he holds it just out of reach as he opens social media.

"let's see what ya got here." He scrolls through the list of people you follow. Of course, you follow a lot of monsters - skeletons included. "heh, looks like basically the whole gang's here. and would'ja look at that - i'm on there too. how cute." 

Suddenly a bony hand clamps down on your shoulder, causing you to jump. Your heart starts pounding in your chest as Axe pulls you closer to him, not caring that his shoulder is painfully jabbing you. His next words are practically a hiss in your ear:

_ "knew you were just like the rest." _

More unnerved than you'd like to admit, you try to push away from him, but Axe just pulls you in again as he opens the camera app on your phone.

"hey, where ya going? don'tcha want a selfie with your _ favourite _cannibal? shh, it's ok, i got it. saaaay 'fresh meat'!"

You give your mirror image a sour look as Axe takes the picture, and he finally lets you go so he can focus on your phone. "aww, that's a nice picture. here, i'll even share it for ya - no need to thank me."

And the little shit posts it to your page before you can stop him, then _ immediately _ starts to snoop through the rest of your pictures. Ugh, you NEVER post pictures of your skeleton friends there! It's also surprisingly _ not _the most unflattering picture ever taken of you, but that's besides the point.

"You are an _ axehole," _ you groan. Yeah you're annoyed, but you're also proud of yourself for making that pun without missing a beat. So you can't help but smirk when Axe's skull snaps up to look at you, visibly baffled.

"...and they call _ me _ the freak." The skeleton goes back to scowling before burying his face in your phone again, seemingly more angry than before. Seeing as you're not getting anywhere by being nice or by making jokes and this guy's attitude is honestly starting to _ tick you off, _ you decide to shift to doing what you know best: being a complete _ shitlord. _

"Y'knoooow, if Sans sees that picture, he's gonna know you're here," you say as you rest your chin on Axe's bony shoulder. He doesn't flinch, but you note that he starts leaning away from you slightly.

"nice try, but everyone knows sansy won't touch that website with a ten foot pole. there's no way he's going to look at it while he's running around searchin' for me."

Damn. You are running out of ideas. As you reluctantly watch him go through your endless phone gallery, Crooks approaches with a couple humans.

"BROTHER!! OUR FANS WOULD LIKE A PICTURE WITH BOTH OF US!"

"fantastic." Axe pockets your phone again to make sure you can't get it while he's distracted. You lean away as Crooks stands next to Axe and the humans get in the picture. It's amazing how _ visibly unhappy _ Axe looks when he's not the one responsible for photo time. You had an inkling before but now you're certain of it: Axe is _ not _a fan of the whole fame thing. Guess he and Sans have that in common - which makes it more interesting that they don't seem to like each other much. You can guess a multitude of reasons as to why, but it's not your place to pry or get involved, so you try not to think about it too much.

Once the picture is over, Axe immediately goes back to looking at your phone. Well speak of the skeleton - there's a message from Sans waiting for you. Axe opens it up and starts typing a response - you try again to get your phone back, but he's prepared for your grabby hands and easy jerks away from you.

**Paparazzi:** everything ok?   
**Paparazzi:** axe hasn't come back yet has he?  
**You:** Nope  
**You:** & doing great :)

He's using capitals AND he added an emoticon for an unironic reason?! What slander! You hope Sans can see through this ruse, or else he is legally unqualified to be your best friend.

"cute nickname by the way," Axe says nonchalantly as he backs out to see what you have for the other skeletons. They're the only contacts in your phone that have codenames, so they stick out like a sore thumb. "'bad romance'... that's a pretty good one for that dickhead."

"I'm pretty proud of that one." Literally every skeleton who has seen your contact names has correctly guessed that’s Red in a single glance, and it’s funnier every single time. The horny dweeb doesn’t even _ try _to be subtle with his interests, huh? As Axe starts snooping through your texts, you get an idea. "Hey, aren't you curious what song name I'd use for you?"

"not really." The fucker doesn't even _ look _at you. "but you can tell me if you want."

"That's no fun! It's only fun when it's in my phone after the fact. Just trust me on this."

"interesting way of trying to get my number... and your phone back." 

"What! How could you see through my clever tricks?!" Boo, of course something as dumb as that wouldn't work. Your feigned disbelief does get a snort out of the skeleton, so you consider that a bit of a win. Maybe if you keep pretending to be a dumbass, he will let his guard down and you can snatch your phone. Yep, that's definitely been your plan all along.

"everyone really seems to like ya, huh?" Bored of scrolling through texts, he's back to looking at your camera roll again. It's filled with pictures of your skeleton pals on account of them being the people you see the most in your life. Some are actually pretty good pictures - everyone is posing or smiling, the quality is clear... and then there's the _ majority _ of your gallery, which consists of blurry photos and impromptu snaps taken when the subject wasn't paying attention. Which you firmly believe is the BEST time to take a picture of someone. There really is nothing better than ugly looking photos of people eating or in weird positions. Naturally, there is also a lot of pictures of Sans on your camera roll, since you two hang out the most. A picture of Sans sleeping on the floor, a blurry one of him mid-movement - oh, there's a nice one of the two of you - and there's a video of you throwing Lil Sans at him as hard as you could and he screamed all high-pitched like a girl. That's a good one. Axe chokes on a laugh after clicking on it, and you can't help but laugh too. God, it's _ still _funny.

"heh, aren't you two cute?" Axe's tone sounds slightly mocking, but before you can say anything, your phone goes off again. Another text from Sans.

**Paparazzi:** so whats up lol

Wait...

Did he just...

OH SHIT HE DID IT

**HE SAID THE PANIC WORDS!!!!!!!**

You have to cover your face and look away to hide your _ ecstatic _ grin as Axe casually types back a reply. He noticed! Sans noticed something was wrong!!! Flashback to shortly after you two first met and Red had stolen Sans' phone to text his new _ secret _friend, the two of you jokingly decided on "what's up" as one of your "panic phrases" when one of you were in trouble. Because what kind of CHUMPS participate in small talk like that?? Axe doesn't know you nearly well enough to respond with something that only you would say to Sans, so no matter what he replies with, Sans will get the hint that something's wrong.

"doin' ok over there, lambchop?" You try to squash down your little happy freakout so you can calmly look over at Axe, who is giving you... _ a look. _Oh no, can he read you?? 

"Nothing..." Nope, you can't do it. You can't erase that smile on your face. "Just... he's so dumb. He's so dumb and I hate him, I..." And then you start snickering like an idiot. Thankfully, Axe seems to get the wrong idea and just makes a disgusted noise before sending whatever message he typed out. You don't get a chance to look at it before he's back to looking through your phone. Now that you know Sans is likely aware of what’s going on, you feel a bit more relaxed and are happy to direct Axe to all the skeleton videos and sick memes you have saved on your phone. You like to think you get pretty close to convincing him to play one of the dating sims on there before your clever skeleton friend shows up.

"alright, fun's over axe." Sans gives his counterpart a relaxed look - one that says _ “nice try but you lost bro” _ \- pointedly ignoring the crowd of people that is _ very _interested in his arrival. "give the phone back."

"aww, but we're having such a _ good time _ \- aren't we?" Axe slings his arm around you again as he continues messing with your phone. Sans narrows his sockets at him, eyelights flicking between the skeleton and his arm. "your friend here makes for some _ delicious _company."

"Come hang out with us Sans, I was about to teach Axey the secrets to dating pigeons." You're not fond of Axe's arm on you, but for some reason you feel like you have something to prove here. To whom though? To Sans or Axe? You’re not sure, but something in you is dead set on showing off your ability to handle the situation. It's not like the Horror dweeb has been doing anything particularly horrible to or with your phone anyways, so you're not in a rush to get it back. 

"yeah sansy, i gotta eat out some chicks," he says, despite being against playing the game just a moment ago. Sans almost looks genuinely angry about the terminology used, prompting Axe to snicker. "don't worry! i'm not _ that _much of a freak. i'm gonna cook them first, of course."

"God I _ really _think you'd love one of the routes in this game," you insist, getting close to reaching over and opening the game yourself. As you start to tell Axe about the best-worst route in the game in hopes of enticing him, Sans calls your name to get your attention.

"hey kiddo, you must be tired from all the running around you did today." Instead of the jovial banter you two usually have, the skeleton’s voice is trying to sound firm. As if he's trying to use some _ subtle persuasion _ on you. "i think i can take it from here - why don't i take you home?" Before you can reassure him again, Axe butts in for you.

"but sansy, aren't _ you _tired from running around? maybe you should go home first, and my bro and i can stay with your human friend." He glances at you, adopting a bit of that manic grin. "whaddya say? maybe we could have you for dinner."

This fucking _ guy. _

"yeah, no, that's not happening. give the phone back so we can go. who knows? maybe i'll be gone long enough that you two can run off."

"Dude it's fine, I don't mind sticking around." Everyone seems to be _ extremely _ keen in not letting you have a say here, and that's just not cool. You respect Sans and understand what he's trying to do - it's really _ not _subtle! - but he's being a bit too overprotective right now. You’re an adult and you can make your own decisions. "We're having a good time! You can just take me home when everyone is ready to go."

Sans falls silent, eyelights studying you before flicking to Axe, who seems both surprised and thrilled that you're siding with him. Finally, Sans lets out a light exhale.

"ok."

"...Okay!!" Wow, that was uh... easier than you expected? No further resistance? Sans still looks tense even as he takes out his phone to tap away at, but he doesn't say anything further. Even Axe looks confused at the reaction, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at his counterpart. Shrugging it off, you take this chance to open the pigeon game while Axe isn’t paying attention. "Great, that means we can play the game!! There's a lot of endings, but I bet we'll be able to get at least one of them..."

Unfortunately, the two of you do _ not _get very far in the game. People keep asking for pictures, and Crooks doesn't let his brother refuse them. You've just gotten past the point where you've met the seven main birdies before a loud distraction starts coming your way.

"Everybody out of the way! I have a sword and I DON'T know how to use it!_ Excuse me!!" _ Out from the crowd emerges a certain face you had met hours ago with Red in tow, who looks relieved to see you.

"there y' are, sweetheart." Relief shifts into irritation once he sees how close you and Axe are sitting, and then into his usual smugass self as his eyelights settle on you. "don't worry - cavalry's here."

Is this some sort of "white knight" joke? You are not sure. "Aren't cavalry people who ride horses? Which of you is the horse?"

Red and his GF, B, glance at each other with similar expressions before B looks back at you with a grin. "Well horses can't hold swords, so it can't be me!"

"doll, i've got so _ mane-y _ horse jokes i could make, so why dontcha join us fer a bit? we were thinkin' 'f goin' ta her place fer some video games - interested?"

Oh, that actually sounds like fun! B seems pretty cool - you wouldn't mind getting to know her a bit better. But before you can put much thought into a decision, Axe is pulling you closer again - earning an immediate glare from Red.

"hey dickhead, are your eyelights working? we're clearly in the middle of something here."

"...Uhhh, he's not wrong." As cool as Red's offer is, it _would_ be extremely rude for you to abandon Axe and Crooks like this. You haven't leveled up your friendship with either of them yet! "We're kind of hanging out right now... maybe another time?"

Red stares at you with an unreadable expression before looking at Sans, who has just been watching the exchange silently. They seem to have a wordless conversation that... hold on. Did Sans put Red up to this?! Did he ask him to persuade you to leave? Since when did they become scheming buddies?? THAT'S not cool!

"...aren’tcha supposta be watchin’ me today?" Red finally looks back towards you with a sly expression. "how're ya gonna do that if yer here?"

"I thought we made a deal? And don't you _ already _have someone watching you?" You raise an eyebrow at B.

"what, her? oh hell no, she's an enabler." B snickers at the accusation, making no effort to refute it. "we're banned from _ at least _ three different strip clubs."

B's laughter grows even further and Red joins her. You can't help but notice Sans is grimacing, but you're not sure if that's because of the _ mention _of strip clubs or because Red is telling the truth. Axe - still with his arm around you - squeezes your shoulder and leans closer to you. You're thinking there's probably a bruise there, because the pressure hurts more than it should.

"you're not falling for this bullshit, are you?"

"No?" There's a smile on your face from these antics, but you don't know what's funnier: the strip club thing or how _ hard _they are trying to get you to leave. It's kind of insulting? Why can't these guys just be upfront about it instead of making up excuses? Just say y'all don't trust Axe and think he's dangerous!! Come on.

Red desperately calls out your name and steps closer, expression serious. As he approaches, Axe's arm slips off your shoulder and down your arm before he pulls you harder towards him, clamping both of your arms down with that one swift motion. He probably expects you’d reach out towards your friend otherwise.

"_please _ jus' come with us," Red begs, stopping just short of touching you in case Axe tries to do anything. "i'm... i'm yer _ friend, _ an' i want ta spend time with ya. why d'ya wanna hang out wi’ this _ asshole _instead??"

"Listen you guys, I _ know _ he's an asshole." Despite the discomfort and mild pain being inflicted on you, you keep your tone lighthearted. "If there's one thing I'm sure about, it's that this motherfucker is a _ gigantor _asshole. An absolute gaping son-of-a-bitch." Axe snorts, B snickers, while both Red and Sans don't seem to find the situation that funny. "Buuuut I've read the walkthroughs and seen the Let's Plays and I've determined that the ultimate totally-worth-it prize for boosting my friendship level with this bitch right here... is his brother's phone number."

You're not sure if Crooks was just too distracted up until now to listen to the conversation or if he was merely pretending he wasn't following along, but the tall skeleton suddenly gasps in delight upon overhearing your words and bounds over to you with his phone in hand.

"OH, YOU DON'T NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH MY BROTHER FOR THAT! HERE LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND, YOU CAN PUT YOUR NUMBER IN MY--"

"**no.** " 

One second you're trying to force your way out of Axe’s grip to reach out for Crooks' phone, and the next second Axe has a bone-crushing grip on your wrist, holding it down. Even though his phalanges were already on you, you jump anyways from the sudden intense pressure. From afar, it would probably look like he's hugging you, but the close-up you're getting of his empty sockets leaves zero room for such heartwarming or comedic thoughts. That single word drips with so much _ malice _that your blood runs cold and your entire being just... freezes up. You suddenly can’t move.

Are... Are you _ scared? _

_ "axe," _ Sans warns, approaching the table with a stern gaze. Red doesn't have nearly as much self-restraint as him, practically growing as he grabs Axe's wrist to try and force him off of you, but the skeleton only digs his phalanges deeper into your flesh.

"let go, y'_ freak--" _

Suddenly Axe is face-to-tip with an entire _ sword, _ and everything seems to freeze.

"Back. _ Off." _B's stance is unwavering, dark fury and determination burning in her eyes. "NOW." 

It is at this moment you remember this is all taking place in the middle of a crowd. Surprisingly, you somehow haven't amassed the entire con's attention with this little showdown - there are even people in your direct eyesight that are completely ignorant to what is going on. However, there are people looking - and at least a couple of them are holding up their phones.

After a moment of silence, Axe snorts and releases your wrist - but not the rest of you - so he can flick the prop sword with an unsatisfying_ thwap._ "uh-huh? and what're you gonna do with a hunk of _ styrofoam, _ tough girl?"

B furrows her brow and makes a dissatisfied noise. No longer willing to play along with his _ game, _ you decide to chime in.

"I would not mess with her - she legit tried to kill me earlier." Axe peeks at you with a narrowed gaze, while B lets her lips curve into a smile. You miss the alarmed look that Sans wears for a split second before dropping it to a grimace. "Terrifying and traumatic, I assure you."

Axe stares at you a moment longer before his gaze moves to B - then to Red, then Sans, then Crooks, and then finally to all the people watching them. With a scowl, he suddenly _ not only _ lets go of you, but also shoves you off the table. You weren't expecting that at all, so you let out an undignified yelp as you topple into Red's arms - who had to scramble to catch you. Axe lazily tosses your phone in your general direction - and of course since you were unprepared to catch it, it bounces off your arm and clatters onto the floor. Wow, you are SO GLAD you have a phone case! What the hell!!

"just fuck off already," Axe growls as you straighten yourself out and pick up your phone. "having _ one _ babysitter pisses me off enough, we don't need _ two." _

"Right-o then, guess you win." Mood spiralling down the proverbial toilet, you can't even _ pretend _ to still be invested in bugging the ever living hell out of Axe. You really thought you were getting somewhere too... but maybe it's for the best that things turned out this way instead of potentially getting worse. After all, you're pretty sure you have at least _ three _bruises on your body from the last half hour alone.

If he's willing to be _ this _ aggressive, who's to say he wouldn't do _ worse? _

Speaking of bruises, you wince as you try to move your wrist and look down to inspect it. There is an ugly bony handprint wrapped around it, signalling the start of what will probably be a very angry bruise. You're _ really _not looking forward to working around this. Red reaches for your hand to take a better look as well, but just as his phalanges brush your skin, Sans is suddenly there and pulling you towards himself instead, grabbing your forearm with one hand and your hand with the other.

"shit... i'm sorry." His apology is quiet as he studies the injury by slowly rotating your arm to view the full extent of it without irritating the injury. He gently runs his thumb over your knuckles, and somehow this calm, tender moment helps a tenseness you didn't know you had leave your body. You want to tell him it's not his fault - it's _ yours _for being pushy about wanting to stay - and that it really doesn't hurt that much, but he looks up to address Red before you can say anything.

"make sure you get ice on it as soon as possible, ok?"

"we will." There's no snark in Red's tone, but you can't help but notice he's looking between you and Sans with an unreadable expression. As soon as you two make eye contact though, you can see the genuine concern he has for you. Slowly, he holds out his hand for you to take. "c'mon, let's get outta here. we'll go somewhere wi’ less _ assholes." _

Although you're certain he's including Axe under that umbrella, his eyelights distinctly glance to the crowd around you. The same crowd that chose to record the incident on their phones or merely watch instead of... doing something. You admittedly wouldn't have wanted any of them to get involved - and you're glad it seems like nobody alerted any staff members - but... you can't help but wonder if they would have reacted the same way had the situation unfolded differently. What if it had been worse? Would someone have spoken up or stepped in then? Or would they have held back due to typical human willful ignorance? 

...Or would they have held back because it was _ Axe _ \- basically a celebrity; an _ idol _\- instead of some stranger they have zero attachment to?

There's an uneasy feeling in your stomach as you reach up with your good arm and take Red's hand. His bony fingers lace between yours for the second time today - this time in a comforting way instead of a suggestive way - and he and B prepare to lead you out of the crowd. An annoying, super exaggerated yawn has you grimacing on instinct.

_ "finally. _ good fuckin' riddance." Axe lies down on the table now that there's more free space, giving you a half-assed wave goodbye. You thought you were done with him today, but that simple exchange is enough to flair up your attitude again, fueled by a raw energy known as _ spite. _ With a sly smile, you look up at Crooks.

"So, about that phone number?" Crooks looks surprised that you're still bringing this up, but is unable to respond before his brother pipes up again.

"i said_ no." _

"Hey, you don't control what your brother can and can't do. He's allowed to make his own decisions." You hold out your phone to the taller skeleton with as warm a smile you can muster despite recent events. "Here! Just put in your number!"

Axe suddenly sits up again, anger returning all at once. "bro, no. do _ not _ give this human your phone number or let them give it to you. _ got it?" _

"I... I..." The poor sweetheart looks to be at an impasse, and you cannot fathom why Axe's demands are having any effect on him when he WANTS to be your friend. What’s going on between them? "SA-- _ BROTHER, _ YOU WERE VERY MEAN TO THE HUMAN... I THINK YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE."

"no."

"Don't listen to him," you try, waggling your phone in Crooks' direction to get his attention again. "Us being friends has nothing to do with him. Your brother has been a bit of a weenie to me, but I still think _ you're _awesome."

Your words are clearly tempting him.

_ "papyrus." _

The "real name" card is enough to snap Crooks out of it, and he lets out a regretful sigh before giving you a sad smile. "IT'S... IT'S OKAY LITTLE HUMAN, FOR I'M SURE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS EVEN IF WE DON'T EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERS! MY BROTHER AND I DON'T LIVE VERY FAR FROM THE OTHERS, SO I'M SURE... I'M SURE OUR PATHS WILL CROSS AGAIN!"

"Hell yeah they will. I'd drag myself through Hell and back to meet with you again, remember?" you respond cheekily, repeating yourself from earlier. Despite being concerned the last time you said it, the tall sweetheart brightens considerably at the familiar phrase, now giving you a much more genuine smile.

"AS MUCH AS I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF, I'M SURE YOU WILL DO IT ANYWAYS, SO... I WILL MAKE SURE I AM WAITING FOR YOU WITH A DELICIOUS MEAL AND SOME BANDAGES IN CASE YOU GET HURT TRYING TO REACH ME!!!"

"Aww, thank you!!" You let go of Red so you can give Crooks a proper farewell hug. Your entire being swells with triumph at how _ angry _Axe looks right now. You WILL befriend this skelebae, even if it kills you!!! His brother is a dumb ass ho and you are NOT afraid to 1v1 him in the Grillby's parking lot. (Okay, maybe you are a tiny bit afraid BUT STILL THAT'S NOT THE POINT HERE.)

As you release Crooks, you catch Sans staring at you. He doesn't say anything... and it doesn't look like he's going to, instead choosing to stay silent until you leave. You purse your lips, unsure if you should say what's on your mind... then decide yes, you _ really _should do this.

"Text me once you're done here, okay?"

"...ok." His posture doesn't relax, signalling that he knows that this isn't just an invitation to pal around or wanting to know if he gets home safe. Because you're sure both of those things will happen regardless.

No, you want to _ talk. _

After another moment of hesitation, you let out a sigh and decide to hell with it - you're going to hug this little _ bitch. _ Disregarding the number of people watching you (which is even larger now that the meet-and-greets have paused due to the Drama), you make your way over to Sans - who looks very confused right now - and practically throw your arms around him, ignoring the throbbing pain. You yearn to lift him off the ground for this hug, but you don't want to hurt yourself even more.

"Sans Undertale you stupid ass ho--" You laugh a bit as you talk, just huggin' this doofus while he stands frozen, like he has never experienced a hug in his life and has no idea what to do. "--you are my _ friend _ and this is _ not _ your fault. So you better try and have a good rest of your day or else I _ will _kick your ass. Alright???"

"...alright. heh, ok." Sans chuckles and finally hugs you back, indulging in this silly PDA that you both may or may not regret later. (You will - later you find out both Red and B took _ many _ pictures of this moment.) When the two of you pull away, his phalanges linger on your shoulders for a moment. "take care of yourself, idiot. and please do _ not _let those two drag you to a strip club."

You can't help but split into a grin, and the look he gives you signals that he already knows what you're going to say. Of course: you're going to say it anyways. That's just how you be.

"I make NO promises whatsoever!"

"ugh, of course you don't. get outta here." The skeleton snickers and fully releases you, shoving his hands into his pockets as you start walking backwards towards Red with a spring in your step. After one last wave to both Sans and Crooks - and a wicked, promise-filled grin to Axe - your hand once again finds Red's and he leads you out of the crowd, with B in front yelling _ "show's over everyone!" _ and gently using her sword to _ suggest _ the crowd parts for the three of you. The way that Red wants to go is far too busy to continue using this sword tactic however - despite it being later in the day, there are still _ a lot _ of people mingling around - so Red leads you guys outside on his mission to find a good place for a shortcut.

Your trek around the building somehow ends up feeling simultaneously longer _ and _shorter than it probably was - perhaps due to the fact that you end up getting one last glimpse of all your skeleton friends along the way. Edge and Stretch are both where you left them, but the latter has been joined by Rus (looks like the Swapfell bros may have gotten kicked out after all), seemingly joining their two fan-friend groups together. Papyrus is sitting on the grass with a group of people around him - friends or fans, you haven't the foggiest - and you can only hope he's having a well-deserved break after all the running around he's done today. Blue and Black are both far away from each other and the others, with no other skeleton in sight from where they are. While Black is merely continuing to loudly mingle with his mean-spirited clique, you almost miss Blue due to the dozen or so people surrounding him and the table he’s sitting at. It seems like he has a mountain of desserts in front of him - all likely bought for him by his admirers - and he's laughing cutely as people take turns feeding it to him. None of the skeletons notice you, so you just get to take this moment to watch them interact with the people around them as you gradually pass by. A few people come up to Red asking for photos and autographs, but he easily turns them down with a "sorry sweetheart, all done fer th' day" and continues walking with you and B without looking back. Thankfully, nothing happens that calls for the need of his GF to threaten someone with her sword.

Red continues to hold your hand the whole time, and while it does start to get awkward, the occasional gentle squeeze he supplies has you instinctively squeezing back. The sensation is somewhat grounding after having such a... _ hectic _ day. You’re honestly not sure if you can say if it was good or not. Today you’ve been soaked, insulted, avoided, _ physically hurt… _

But then again... it could have been worse.

...Maybe you’re just thinking that way because you don’t want to acknowledge the glimpses of _ troublesome _behaviour you saw from all of your friends. Even Sans.

After what felt like an age of frozen time, the three of you reenter the building in a hall that is familiar to you. Isn't this the H-Wing? With an amused grin, you watch as Red leads you over to the same janitor's closet from earlier and opens it up after a glance to make sure no one was watching. 

"here we are. gorgeous people first."

You and B both look at each other, both equal amounts of amused.

"Which one of us is that?" B asks.

"Well, you're the one with a sword. Sword girls _ are _pretty hot."

B chuckles, looking at her prop sword. "Hmm... That is true... buuuuut--"

"jus' hurry up an' get in here, will ya?"

"Welp, you heard him - time to go in the fuck closet." You both snicker before you finally decide to take the initiative and go first. B follows you, and then Red steps in last, closing the door behind the three of you.

_ "finally. _ ok, everyone ready fer some video games 'n chill?"

"Oh shit, did I just get tricked into a threesome?" you ask aloud, prompting B to burst out laughing. Although clearly amused as well, Red shakes his head in disbelief.

"y'know, i was doin' a _ real _ good job not thinkin' about shit like that... now it's suddenly jus' _ in _ there agai-- _ ow--" _ B _thwaps_ Red in the gut with the fake sword. "ok, thought's over. c'mere y' big gay dumbass--"

The skeleton pokes B in the side until she's laughing uncontrollably, then uses her lowered defenses to wrap an arm around her waist and pull her against his hip. It reminds you a bit of the goofy interaction that you and Sans have, and it makes you happy to see others with that same bond - if not stronger - that you two have. It honestly makes you feel like some kind of platonic third wheel in this situation... but you don't have time to mull over that thought for long, because Red is gesturing for you to join them. As you do so - throwing an arm over Red's shoulder while his carefully rests around your waist - B's giggles calm down for her to be able to speak again.

"H-Hey, wait - can you even do shortcuts with more than one person?"

That's... a very good question. You've only experienced Red's "shortcuts" - hell, _ any _ of the skeletons' "shortcuts" - when it was just them and you involved. Thinking about it, adding another person to the mix sounds like it could get a bit risky or _ unpredictable. _ Apparently it's not something Red has thought about either, because he has to think before he answers.

"hmm... i'm not actually sure. never done it before." Then his grin widens and he pulls you both closer to him with all the confidence of a big-time flirt - the gesture made funnier when you remember that the two people he's accompanied by are a gay girl and _ your _clown ass. Despite that though, his voice lowers and rolls into that stupid purr that he's oh-so-well-known for. 

_ "why don't we find out?" _

And as if someone merely flicked the light switch off: everything immediately goes black.

**Author's Note:**

> now that the horrorbros have been introduced, i'd like to give a shoutout to Tyrant_Tortoise's "Skeleton Squatters and the Landlady", which is a harem fic that features these ten skeletons. that fanfic was among my first exposure to these AUs, so i default to the same names and the "living in the middle of the forest" setting as that fic lol. i absolutely would not be writing undertale AU content had i not stumbled upon that fic because it's the reason i came to adore all these boneheads, so if you're tired of my PLATONIC AGENDA and want some spicy romance, you should check it out if you haven't already!!! 
> 
> next i'd like to give a shoutout to my friend squaredElephant who's writing a fic called "The N//A Game", which i gave lil nod to in this fic! it's a story inspired by danganronpa and 999 but with an original cast and setting. it's still in the early stages, but if those series interest you, maybe consider checking it out...?!
> 
> OKAY finally lets talk about the actual fic i wrote!! 
> 
> this is something i alluded to in "celebrity status" and also discussed in the comments, but in this fic we finally got to have a glimpse of the skeletons' friends! the character B is red's best friend, and while she probably won't appear directly in any future fics with THIS reader, i was thinking about giving her a multi-chapter spin-off fic where she is the reader-insert character. there are a few select "skeleton friends" i'd like to do this for (one actually made a cameo in this fic and will have a proper introduction Later) but i will be focusing on this "sans' bff" series for now unless i really need a change of pace. basically this reader is going to have the chance to meet and befriend almost all the AU skeletons on a surface level, while the other readers would get to showcase some of the less seen skeles and sides to them that this reader isn't unlocking the friendship events for. 
> 
> ANYWAYS. like i said in the beginning notes, from here on we're going to start seeing other AUs!! i have a list of which ones currently (hint hint) exist in this celeb world and while i have fic outlines for all of them, i don't really have a concrete order for them? unless i change my mind the next time i go to write, i THINK next i'm going to be writing a horrortale follow-up since it'll tie in nicely with a certain sans conversation we gotta have after his behaviour in this fic, but i'd like to ask you beautiful readers which AUs YOU want to see! your suggestions may influence me to do certain ones first... i won't share my AU list but i'm pretty sure i got all the major ones - and if there IS one i missed that you end up suggesting, there may or may not be room later down the line to have them show up.... ;)
> 
> whew, ok i feel like i had a lot more to say but i've been listening to Die Young for like 4 hours straight and the exhaustion is starting to hit me lol. THANK YOU so much for reading! if you want to discuss this fic or the AU in general, please don't be afraid to leave a comment!!! i love talking about this shit and undertale in general!! comments also entice me to write more, which is honestly how i've been able to write a total of ~50k words of fanfic in one month lol. the next one will certainly not be written as quickly as this one since i got something else i wanna do for a bit BUT!!! please don't hesitate to comment & talk to me anyways.... i love you all.......
> 
> anyways uhhhh if you want to see some of my fanfic musings/updates maybe follow me on twitter @Yoshichao if you don't mind having to sift through 80% shitposts and game talk to get to good content. thanks again for reading!!


End file.
